


Here's My Resignation, I'll Serve It In Drag

by TheAsexualKingoftheUniverse



Series: Promise Me That When I'm Gone You'll Kill My Enemies [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics)
Genre: Batfamily Bonding, Don't worry dickbabswally haven't broke up babs just isn't in the story for much of it, F/M, Family Vacations, Jason is exposed as a redhead, M/M, Multi, Pranks, Ring shopping, Tim Drake/Jason Todd as a joke, bruce has angst, pranks gone too far, urban exploration aka what white people call trespassing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-12 14:17:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18012494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAsexualKingoftheUniverse/pseuds/TheAsexualKingoftheUniverse
Summary: Forced to go on a family vacation together, the Wayne siblings plot revenge against their father (and Dick, who deserves taunting at all times). Jason has a brilliant idea for a prank, but he makes one fatal error: giving Tim Drake an opportunity for revenge.A.K.A. I finally address Tim's tattoo.





	Here's My Resignation, I'll Serve It In Drag

**Author's Note:**

> So, just as a quick note before getting into this: Jason and Tim are not actually fucking. It's all part of an elaborate prank against Bruce and Dick.  
> Title is from The End by MCR because, as we have established, I'm trash.

The day started out like any other. Tim staggered into the kitchen, eyes bleary, and making groaning noises that only vaguely sounded like “coffee.” Jason was tucked into the breakfast nook, reading some novel and cooing over whatever character had caught his fancy. Dick was suspended from the chandelier and eating a banana. Damian was stabbing at his vegetarian sausage with great violence. Duke was on his phone. Terry was waving his arms wildly as he yelled about the Zohar. No one was paying much attention to Terry except for Cass, who was nodding intermittently as if she understood what he was saying.

And then Bruce walked in with a deadly serious expression on his face.

“It has come to my attention that Diana took advantage of my absence to enforce new rules upon the Justice League,” he droned, “It is for this reason that we will be departing later today for a… _family vacation_.”

Dick fell off the chandelier.

“I’m sorry, what?” Jason asked.

“Diana made a requirement that we take vacations.”

“Oh, joy,” Damian muttered.

“As such, some of us will be going to our Carmel, California household. There are only five bedrooms, so you will need to share. Dick will be with Neva, Damian with Terry, Duke with Cass, and Jason with Tim. Go pack.”

“But what about Roy?”

“Or Wally and Babs?”

“Or Kon?”

“No significant others. Only family. Except for Alfred, who is going to France to escape us.”

“But, dad-”

“Shut up, Tim, I’m not happy about this either. But we have to do it. So just…go pack. We leave at noon.”

* * *

 

Their flight touched down smoothly at Monterey Regional Airport and the disgruntled bats disembarked, headed for the baggage claim. Bruce grabbed his bag first and headed to the parking lot. A WE employee was waiting there with a Ford Transit Minibus. Bruce handed him a $200 tip and took the keys. He loaded his bags in the back and leaned against the driver’s side door. Slowly his kids trickled out of the building, dumping their suitcases and getting in. Jason, Tim, and Damian took over the very back row.

“Why are you all sitting back there?” Bruce asked.

“Solidarity,” they replied in unison. Bruce sighed and sent a quiet prayer to his parents that those three weren’t planning anything.

Once everyone was in and seatbelts were finally on, Bruce started the car. Duke was riding shotgun, which according to the Bat Family bylaws meant that he had control over the music. This brought great relief to Bruce. Dick’s abuse of his eldest child privileges had subjected him to entirely too many hours of trashy pop music.

 _Duke’s the only one of my sons I can trust_ , he thought.

‘I Can’t Decide’ by the Scissor Sisters started blaring through the speakers. Jason and Tim both let out whoops and started singing along.

“Duke, why would you betray me in this way?”

“You’re making us go on a family vacation. Suffer.”

“I love you, Duke,” Jason screamed from the back of the van.

“Love you too, bro.”

“I’m going to kill Diana,” Bruce grumbled.

The ride to the house was twenty minutes, which was twenty minutes too long. Duke refused to play anything but the most obnoxious songs from his kid’s favorites. At long last, he pulled into the driveway and parked the car. The music turned off and there was a split second of blissful silence.

“Move in, troops!” Dick cried. Terry flung open the car door and the kids tore out of the vehicle. Their bags were out on the sidewalk in a second and they were all smiling at him with expecting smiles.

“You want your room assignments, don’t you?” He asked. They nodded.

“Alright, let’s just get in the house first.”

Once in the house, he dropped his bags in the master bedroom. The kids were crowded in the hallway.

“Alright, Cass and Duke, you’re next. You’re also on the top floor.” He showed them to their room.

“One bed,” Cass said sadly.

“Yes. Unfortunately, you’ll have to share.”

“Is fine.”

“I’m good with it. Cass is great.” Duke said. Bruce let out a sigh of relief.

“Alright, the rest of you are downstairs.”

The others followed him down.

“Damian and Terry, here you are. You do get individual beds.”

“I want the one by the window!” Terry yelled.

“Terrence, both beds are by the window. The window is between them.” Terry had already climbed on a bed.

“This is mine.”

“…acceptable.”

“Dick, you’re right next door with Neva.”

“Awesome, thanks B.”

Bruce braced himself for showing Tim and Jason to their room.

“And here you two are.”

Jason and Tim stared at the room, Jason barely blinking and Tim blinking too much.

“There’s one bed,” Tim stated.

“Uh, sorry?”

“No, this is great! Thanks, Dad,” Jason exclaimed, grabbing Tim by the arm and dragging him in the room as the younger boy yelped. Jason slammed the door behind them, leaving Bruce standing there, stunned.

“Well, that was interesting,” he said to himself before heading back upstairs.

* * *

 

Tim ripped Jason’s hand off of him.

“The hell, Jason?”

“I have a brilliant idea,” Jason said with a gleam in his eye.

“Oh no.”

“It’ll upset Bruce and Dick.”

“Oh, _yes_.”

“Later we loudly announce that we’ll be hanging out in our room. We put our headphones on and read while we set up your computer to play really bad het porn. Bruce assumes we’re fucking, breaks in, we get to mock him for being a gullible ass. Also works with Dick.”

“…I’m in. But we have to tell Damian so he doesn’t get panicked.”

“No, he might spill to Dick.”

“We’re not doing this at the cost of Damian’s sense of security.”

“Fine.” 

“We’re going to have to be careful about the porn selection, though. One with minimal talking.”

“I refuse to actually watch porn with you.”

“Well, duh. We’ll both pick out some videos separately and then switch playlists when each one ends.”

“Logical. I like it.”

“Great. Let’s go warn Damian.”

* * *

 

Terry opened the door to his and Damian’s room when they knocked.

“Hey, little man. What’re you up to?”

“Taking notes on the Seder Olam Rabbah,” Terry replied cheerfully.

“Uh. Cool. Not too sure what that is, but cool. You mind doing that with your headphones on?”

Terry narrowed his eyes.

“You’re planning something.”

“No, we just need to talk about some bat business. Strictly no toddlers involved business,” Tim said, “I’m really sorry, Terry. I would tell you if I could.”

“Okay,” Terry grumbled. He got back on his bed and put his headphones on.

“Tim,” Damian greeted, “Annoyance.” He directed the last part at Jason, accompanied by a nasty glare.

“Brat.”

“Could you two please calm down?” They both settled down, grumbling a bit before turning to Tim.

“Alright, Damian, we’re here to warn you about a prank we’re pulling on Dick and Bruce.”

“We’re going to pretend to be fucking to upset them,” Jason interrupted. Damian scrunched his nose up.

“Why?”

“It’s just to fuck with them and get a bit of revenge for them being assholes.”

“I find this reasoning logical. Should we not also alert Duke and Cassandra?”

“Nah, they’re too close to Bruce and too smart to fall for it. And we’ll make sure to only play the sex noises we’re using when Terry and Neva are out.”

“An acceptable plan. Do warn me as well. I have no desire to hear these noises.”

“You got it, Dames. See you later.”

“Goodbye, Tim. Todd, drown in the ocean.”

“Oh, I’m going to kill you, you little shit,” Jason yelled, charging at Damian. Tim grabbed him by the back of the collar and hauled him out of the room.

“You’re not allowed to kill Damian,” he said, “I’ll let you kill a lot of people, but not Damian.”

“I miss the days when you were fighting with him and would’ve let me kill him,” Jason grumbled, “C’mon, Timmy, let’s go to the bookstore for a bit. I’ve got one of B’s credit cards and we need to establish a sense of closeness prior to Bruce realizing we’re fucking so he wouldn't immediately dismiss it as a possibility."

* * *

 

They parked the BMW about a block away and walked into Old Capital Books. The first thing they noticed was a rather fat cat lying spread out on the floor who looked to be dead.

“He’s alive,” yelled the cashier, “Mr. Stripey’s just got one foot in the grave, poor bastard.”

“He looks good for an old cat,” Tim remarked as he sidestepped to avoid the cat. The cashier looked puzzled.

“What? He’s nine. Bastard’s probably going to make it to sixteen. My last cat, Amo, did.”

“You named your cat after bullets?” Jason asked with awe.

“Nah, Amo was a kinda pest control they used to use in the Salinas Valley. He was a barn cat in charge of pest control on my ranch.”

Mr. Stripey let out a loud yowl and launched himself at one of the bookshelves, scaling it rapidly and squeezing through the gaps in the railing of the balcony above.

“The devil himself absconds from here,” the cashier muttered, “Can I help you folks find anything?”

“Literature. Show me all your fine literature, please,” Jason requested with a charming smile.

“Up the stairs, turn left, six paces, on your right,” she directed. Jason took off as fast as the cat.

“Uh…crime. You have crime novels?”

“Yup, basement. Big old sign.”

“Thanks,” Tim said before retreating to the basement.

The basement was slightly damp in the way most basements are, and it had a chill to it that set Tim on edge. He wrapped his arms around himself to keep warm and began browsing the shelves. He found a few books he liked the look of and sat down to look through them while he waited for Jason.

He was shaken awake about an hour later by Jason, who was holding a bag full of their books in his other hand.

“C’mon, Tim, get up. We’re going to drop off the books at the car and then we’re going to go get you some coffee.”

“Coffee?” Tim murmured as he stretched.

“Yeah, coffee.” Tim got up and they made their way outside. The cashier was carrying Mr. Stripey to the back room as he yowled in protest.

“Thank you,” Jason called out to her.

“No problemo,” she replied.

* * *

 

They were sitting in chairs on the upper level of the Café Lumiere. Tim was sipping from one of the three black eyes he’d bought as Jason drank his cappuccino and judged him.

“Is that much caffeine really necessary, Tim?” The younger boy shrugged.

“I need to be awake for the prank. And I’ll presumably be comfortable while we’re doing it. So thus, coffee.”

“What does being comfortable have to do with anything?” Tim shifted in his chair.

“I, uh, fall asleep every time I get comfortable.”

“Oh my _god_.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Tim grumbled.

“You are so fucking sleep deprived. I’m telling your boyfriend about this so he can make you sleep more.”

“He knows,” Tim replied quietly. His face was flushed.

“Holy shit. You fell asleep during sex, didn’t you?”

“Maybe?”

“Holy fucking shit. That’s hilarious and concerning at the same time.”

“Shut up.”

“No, I’m never letting this go.”

“Fuck off. I’ll ask Roy for info on you.”

“Roy is too loyal to me. He’d never betray me. Besides, I have no shame.” Tim buried his head in his hands.

“I hate you, Jason.”

“Love you too, tiny Tim. Now drink your death brew and tell me what you want for dinner.”

“I want veal meatballs with pasta in cream sauce,” Tim demanded, “Kon found it in a cookbook when he was bored and it’s very good.”

“Alright, get him to send me the recipe and I’ll make it. We’re also going to need to buy groceries. I vote that we only buy food that Bruce and Dick don’t like. And an alternative for Damian to eat tonight, duh.”

“He likes mujaddara.”

“Alright, we’ll figure that out. Bruce doesn’t like Caesar salad dressing, so we will have a Caesar salad. Dick doesn’t like smoked butter, so we will have it with our sourdough.”

“I want dessert.”

“Lemon pound cake. Bruce hates lemon.”

“I love lemon.”

“Hey, same.”

“Can we get bagels for breakfast?”

“Of course, we’ll get Damian some of those fake sausages he likes. What does Terry eat for breakfast?”

“Terry likes Cheerio’s.”

“Easy enough. Any idea what Cass and Duke eat?”

“Let me text Alfred, they’re always up before I am.”

“Alright, I’ll start a shopping list.” They sat in silence for a couple of minutes before Tim’s phone dinged.

“Alfred says that Cass likes Cheerio’s and that Duke likes English muffins.”

“I’ll add ‘em.”

“He also advised us that Bruce hates hardboiled eggs and that we should make sure to give him some for breakfast.”

“Perfect.”

“So, here’s the plan: we get back, I make dinner, make our porn lists, and go to bed. Tomorrow, we get the little kids out of the house, blare the porn sounds, wait until Bruce or Dick notice.”

“Perfect.”

They fist bumped before getting up. They threw their cups away and got in the car to go to the store.

* * *

 

Jason kicked the door open.

“We’re back, you horny sluts,” he yelled.

“What’s a horny slut?” Terry asked.

“Dick is.”

“Oh. Okay!”

“Oy vey, you’re such a bad influence,” Tim said. Jason grinned.

“Oh, believe me, I know. Here, Terry, have a boxed chocolate milk.” He tossed one to their younger brother, who caught it immediately.

“Thanks, Jay,” he chirped before scampering downstairs. Jason smiled after him.

“You’re good with kids,” Tim remarked.

“I’m technically a parent, so I should certainly hope so.”

“My parents weren’t good with kids.”

“And they were terrible parents, Tim, I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.”

“…yeah, you’re right. I’ve got…mixed feelings about them.”

“…we’re going to talk about feelings, aren’t we?” Jason asked as he started putting away the groceries.

“We don’t _have_ to.”

“No, Tim, if you want to talk, talk.”

“I…I don’t hate them, exactly. I think I resent them, though. For not being around. When…when my dad woke up from the coma, I didn’t really want to go back with him. I didn’t want to be ignored again. And he was better…somewhat. Same bad temper. He pulled a gun on Bruce. Blocked me from being Robin. He backed down later but that…that was awful, for me. To think that because of me, Bruce possibly got triggered. And I know I should be grateful that he changed at all but it still…it still doesn’t make up for the previous years, to me. I-he- I…one good year doesn’t make up for fourteen bad ones, y’know?”

“Not really, to be honest. Willis never did anything to make up for his shitty act and Catherine was always pretty hit or miss. And let’s not even get into Sheila. But I think…I think you’re right to feel that way. You shouldn’t have to forgive your parents. You shouldn’t have to forgive anyone. They hurt you, Tim. Parents…parents aren’t meant to do that.”

“You forgave Bruce.”

“That’s different. Bruce and I…that’s a different matter, Tim. And he’s not entirely forgiven, yet. Our relationship isn’t fixed. But it’s better. And it’s alright to have complicated feelings. I know this is hard to accept, but you don’t have to have everything figured out. Not everything is written in black and white.”

“I don’t like loose ends.”

“Of course you don’t. You’re too much like Bruce for your own good.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, nothing. Just that you have similar personalities, you’re both ridiculously melodramatic, you’re both gay for a super- and you are, in fact, dating his boyfriend’s clone- you’re both good detectives, etcetera, etcetera. The only serious distinction between you two is that he’s tall.”

“Fuck you,” Tim muttered as he fiddled with the salt and pepper shakers on the table.

“We have to save that for later, or did you already forget the plan?”

“Oy vey, you’re disgusting,” Tim shuddered, “How’d you come up with this plan, anyway?”

“I was reading some trash tabloid that was theorizing that we Waynes are engaged in some incestuous Satanic Illuminati cult. Totally racist, super crazy, but my fucked-up mind thought it would be funny to use it to fuck with Bruce. I personally think we should blame the al Ghuls and the Joker for my mind being this fucked. So, really, this is all their fault.”

“I wish the tabloids would just shut the fuck up,” Tim said, pointedly ignoring the whole tangent because he didn’t need to encourage Jason, “The only valid tabloid is Buzzfeed and that’s because their ‘reporters’ are, in my experience, very bribe-able.”

“Is that why you surpassed Dick on the ‘most datable Waynes’ list? Because if not it’s like, _really_ creepy that you hit the top of the list pretty much the second you became legal.”

“I’m offended that you think I couldn’t do it on my own merit, but I did bribe the guy just because I wanted to see Dick’s face when he was finally defeated. Knock the bastard down a peg or twenty.”

“Dios, you’re cold. Let me guess, you’re a Slytherin.”

“Yup,” Tim replied with a smug grin, “On every test I ever got. I’m guessing you’re Ravenclaw. Dick’s Gryffindor.”

“Right and right. Pretty sure Duke would be a Gryffindor too, but with like, Ravenclaw leanings. Cass is a Hufflepuff.”

“Hell yeah. Terry’s a Ravenclaw. And, controversial statement alert, Damian’s a Hufflepuff.”

“You are so right, Tim. He is.”

“And Bruce? Bruce is a Ravenclaw, but mostly he’s a bitch.”

“What a fascinating conversation you two are having,” Bruce drawled from behind them.

“Well, you are,” Tim replied.

“Thank you, Tim, for that ringing endorsement of my character.”

“You’re welcome, Bitchman.”

Jason cracked up.

“F-fucking Bitchman,” he choked out through the laughter, “Fucking Christ, Timmy.”

“Why did I think children were a good idea,” Bruce muttered as he grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl and retreated from the kitchen.

“I can’t believe you called him Bitchman to his face,” Jason said once he’d recovered. Tim shrugged.

“What’s he going to do to me? We’re on vacation so he can’t bench me- not that benching me works anyway- and I’ve got my own multi-billion-dollar fortune that he can’t touch.”

“Didn’t your family go bankrupt?”

“Yes, but Jack was like, really dumb. In order to make me reliant on them, they stashed all my inheritance into bank accounts I could only access when I turned 18. This preserved most of their money but cut them off from it in the process. Which is why when I turned 18 I not only surpassed Dick in hotness, I became one of the richest men alive. And since I’m one of Bruce’s heirs and dating Lex Luthor’s heir…”

“Damn, Tim, you’re gonna clean up.”

“If my plan goes through, yeah. I might even be able to work it to take the League out from under Ra’s.”

“You know what? You do that. I support you.”

“Thank you, Jason. I’m going to go do some reading in the backyard.”

“Enjoy.”

“I will, thank you.”

* * *

 

Dick walked out, intent on taking a nap in the sun. He was a creature of light, and the unnatural darkness of Gotham and Bludhaven meant that his sun exposure was tragically limited.

To his surprise, Tim was already out there. Tim and Bruce were birds of a feather, and their particular species thrived in the darkness. It was rare enough to see Tim voluntarily awake during the daytime, let alone out in the sun.

“Hey, little brother,” Dick said as he plopped himself down in the chair next to Tim’s.

“Hello, Dick,” Tim replied, not even bothering to look up from his book. Dick grinned.

“What nerdy little brothers I have,” he teased.

“You were a fucking mathlete.”

“How’d you find out about that?”

“Babs told me.”

“I’ve been betrayed by the people closest to me,”

“That’s nice, Dick.”

“Tim,” Dick whined, “Don’t bully me.”

“Stop being such an easy target, then,” Tim said coolly. Anyone who didn’t know him well would’ve missed the twitch at the corner of his mouth that indicated that his irritation at being bothered was just a façade.

“My sweet little brother grew up to be so mean.”

“The world wore me down.”

“Oh my god, you’re so _edgy_.”

“Yup.”

They sat in silence for about an hour before Bruce emerged from the house and joined them.

“Hi, Dad,” Dick said cheerfully.

“What’s up, Bruce?”

“Jason says dinner’ll be ready in another hour,” Bruce said. He sat down on Tim’s other side.

“Thank god,” Dick exclaimed, “I’m just starting to get hungry.”

“I guess I could eat.”

“You should eat, Timmy! Little birdies like you need their nutrients so they can grow big and strong! Not to mention tall.”

“Fuck off. Fuck all the way off. Dad, yell at him.”

“Dick, don’t call your brother short.”

“But, B, he’s four inches shorter than average! He’s tiny!”

“Had it not been for the laws of this land, I would have slaughtered you,” Tim snapped.

“Do it, coward.”

“Boys, please. This is a vacation. You can murder each other when you get home.”

“Fine,” Tim huffed.

“Aww, B, you’re no fun.”

“I weep for the future if preventing a fratricide makes one a buzzkill.”

“You only weep because you are a coward,” Tim said.

“As Batman, I beg to differ.”

“Then beg,” Tim replied.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” Dick whispered. Bruce just stared in stunned silence. Tim paled as he realized what he had said.

“Uh…sorry?”

“Don’t apologize, Tim, that was _incredible_.”

“Shut the fuck up, Dick.”

“…Tim.”

“Yes, Dad?”

“…That _was_ a meme, correct?”

“Yes, Dad.”

“Oh. That’s alright, then.” Bruce opened up his book and began to read, effectively ending the conversation. Tim went back to his own book and Dick closed his eyes.

* * *

 

When they sat down to dinner that night, Bruce immediately made a face at the salad. Jason and Tim stealthily grinned at each other.

“Thanks for making dinner, little wing,” Dick chirped. He was attempting to eat one-handed, as Neva had grasped onto his shirt and started crying every time he went to put her down. She was sleeping happily now.

 _Figures that Dick’s kid is a cuddle monster_ , Tim thought.

“So,” Bruce asked, “What did everyone do today?”

“I sketched the beach,” Damian replied.

“Went with,” Cass added.

“I got caught up on some research papers I’d been meaning to read,” Duke said.

“Nerd,” Jason muttered.

“And what did you do today, Jason?” Duke challenged.

“…Point. I went to the bookstore with Timbits.”

“We got books,” Tim added.

“No, I thought you got wax tablets,” Damian snarked.

“Shut up.”

“I took some notes,” Terry said, “I need to prove someone wrong about their opinions.”

Bruce took a long drink of his wine and decided he didn’t want to know.

“I just slept. Ever since I got Neva my sleep’s been even spottier than usual.”

“Oh my god, Dickybird, you have two lovers to help you out, I don’t even want to hear it.”

“You don’t know my struggles, you weren’t around when Lian was a baby.”

“Fuck you!”

“Boys, I will say it again. Please reserve all fratricidal activities for _after_ vacation.”

“And I’ll say it again, Dad: ya boring.”

“Tim, I will ground you.”

“I’m an adult, Bruce. You can’t do anything.”

“I can bench you from Red Robin.”

“Then do it, pussy.”

“You were so well behaved when we first met,” Bruce grumbled, “What happened?”

“I got better."

There was silence for a moment before Duke cleared his throat.

“Thanks, Tim, for bringing down the mood with your depressive aura.”

“It’s my only role in this family.”

“Don’t cut yourself on all that edge, Tim,” Jason replied, “Hey, Damian, how you liking your veggie shit?”

“My ‘veggie shit,’ as you so eloquently put it, is acceptable.”

“Glad to hear it, demon junior.”

“Perish, Todd.”

“Dames, please don’t kill Jason. It was rough enough on me when he resurrected the first time,” Tim commented.

Jason let out an offended noise and smacked him.

“Don’t make my trauma about you.”

“It’s my trauma, too! You tried to kill me!”

“But I _didn’t_.”

“Can you two just settle this already?” Duke grumbled, “I’m so fucking sick of hearing about it.”

“Fine,” said Jason, “Tim, I am very sorry for maiming you. From the bottom of my heart, my b.”

“Be still my beating heart,” Tim swooned dramatically, “I have been bespelled. Bedazzled. Absolutely kerfluffled.”

“You didn’t use any of those words correctly,” Dick said with a smile.

“Fuck off, Dick, language is relative to the origin of the speaker.”

“We’re literally from the same town.”

“Funny, I could have sworn you were born in Greece and moved later to Gotham, and therefore have a different approach to the English language and specifically Gotham speak.”

“But nine is a fairly young age to adapt to a new dialect, so therefore while my English does have idiosyncrasies related to my own unique experience, it is primarily rooted in the specific dialect of Gotham.”

Bruce hastily interceded as Tim opened his mouth again, remembering the last linguistics conflict they'd had with a shudder.

“So, what is everyone doing tomorrow? Dick and I were going to go hike the Soberanes Trail.”

“Cass and I were going down to Big Sur as well, but we can take Terry, Damian, and Neva if you want.” 

“That’d be great. Thanks, you two. Jason, Tim, any plans?”

“Timbits and I are going to the coast above Santa Cruz so he can take some pictures and I can surf,” Jason said with a charming smile, “Plus there’s a ghost town I want to check out.”

“I don’t know why,” Tim grumbled, “It’s not like you believe in ghosts.”

“I don’t see how you can, Tim. The evidence is inconclusive. And, as a former dead person, I think I would know best.”

“Former dead person and current dumb bitch, you mean. You’re stupid as shit, Jason. You wouldn’t know evidence if it broke your knees with a baseball bat and carved its name into your chest.”

“Dios, you’re a vicious little bastard,” Jason replied, more amused than insulted.

Bruce sighed.

_Oy, what the hell did I do to deserve such difficult children?_

* * *

 

Once they were back in their room, Tim sat down in the corner armchair and pulled out his laptop and headphones.

“I’m guessing the photography trip was a ruse?” He said.

“Nah, we’re actually going on one. We’re just going to wait until they tell us their itinerary to come up with our own. We get back here thirty minutes before they’re due back and set up. I bribed Duke and Cass into postponing their return until after Dick and Bruce. They were a bit suspicious but once I explained it was to prank Daddy Bats and Goldie they were down.”

“Perfect. We’ll make those bitches suffer.”

“You’re the perfect partner in crime, Tim. A Slytherin through and through.”

“This is a pretty Slytherin move for you as well.”

“Excuse you, bitch, I am a _Ravenclaw_.”

“I just said it was a Slytherin move, not that you were a Slytherin.”

“…Valid.”

“Anyways, I’m going to find us some terrible porn.”

“Chill, I’ll do that too.”

They worked in silence for about forty-five minutes before Tim let out a snort.

“What?”

“I found this horrendous amateur video and the dude’s name is Jason.”

“That’s perfect.”

“God, this is so weird,” Tim muttered.

“Yeah,” Jason agreed, “It totally is. But hey, think of Bruce and Dick’s faces.”

“Weirdness dispelled. I love making them suffer.”

They worked for another fifteen minutes before Tim got up and stretched.

“I call first shower,” he said.

“Chill, I have to call Roy.”

Tim nodded, gathered his stuff, and locked himself in the bathroom. Jason closed all the PornHub tabs and clicked on Skype.

Roy picked up after a few rings.

“Dad!” Lian screamed, “Dad, I got an A in Reading!”

“Hell yeah!”

“Hey, babe,” Roy said, “Anyone dead yet?”

“Nope, but Tim and I have an _epic_ prank planned.”

“Oh?”

“Yep. Lian, ears _and_ eyes closed. Don’t think I don’t know you can read lips.”

“I can’t read lips,” Lian grumbled, closing her eyes and putting her hands over her ears anyway.

“Tim and I are going to play bad het porn to trick Bruce and Dick into thinking we’re having sex. And before you ask, I was inspired by one of those gross tabloids that thinks the Waynes are involved in some nasty sex ring shit.”

“Why do you even read that trash? Also, don’t you think this is a _bit_ weird?”

“Yes, but Tim and I are putting aside our own disgust at the idea of implicating ourselves in such a thing for the greater good of traumatizing Bruce and Dick.”

“I can’t with you sometimes.”

“Hey, look, I would never _actually_ fuck my brother. I will, however, _pretend_ to in order to wage psychological warfare on my dad.”

“Why are you even telling me this? Why do I need to know?”

“Just in case Dick goes to tell you before he can find out it’s a prank. I want to make sure you don’t think this is real. Because ew.”

“You better hope the goddamn press doesn’t get a hold of this, Jay-bird. This could go FUBAR real quick.”

“I know. I’ll be careful.”

“Alright-” Roy tapped Lian on her shoulder- “Hey kiddo, tell your dad about soccer practice.”

“It was _awesome_. I kicked the ball into this asshole kid David’s _face_.”

“Lian,” Roy said, dismayed. Jason grinned.

“That’s my girl.”

“Jason, don’t encourage her.”

“Roy, beating up jerks is the family business. She has to learn!”

“Yeah, Dad, I’m just doing my job!”

"I regret ever existing,” Roy muttered. Lian and Jason smiled at each other.

* * *

 

The next day at breakfast, Dick showed up fifteen minutes after everyone else and let out a loud wail when he realized they didn’t have any sugary cereal.

“I thought you two went grocery shopping,” he yelled, flailing his hands at Tim and Jason.

“We did,” Jason replied.

“We just didn’t buy crap,” Tim added.

Dick let out a guttural shriek.

“Calm down, Grayson,” Damian said calmly, “This could be extremely beneficial to your health. It might delay the onset of diabetes.”

“Dami,” Dick whined, “Don’t you betray me as well.”

“Bold of you to assume I care.”

“Tim, why’d you have to teach him memes? Why would you think that was okay?”

“I didn’t teach him shit. He has a phone, Dick.”

“I followed Tim on the site known as ‘Tumblr,’” Damian said.

“Damian, get off that hell site right now,” Tim ordered, “You’re too young.”

“Tim, I have murdered people.”

“I said get off.”

“Fine.”

“Now that the crisis of Damian prematurely discovering things he already knew about has been averted,” Bruce snarked, “Dick, we leave in fifteen minutes and you’re not dressed.”

“Fuck,” Dick cried as he ran back downstairs, “Dami, make me some toast for the road.”

“No,” said Damian as he went and did it.

“You have to let him suffer, Damian, or he’ll never learn,” Bruce grumbled into his coffee mug.

“Oh, he’ll be suffering soon enough,” Damian replied cryptically.

Bruce sighed, set down his coffee, and decided he didn’t want to know.

* * *

 

Jason was driving them up the long, winding highway when he noticed Tim was fidgeting with his camera.

“So, what are you thinking about?”

“How much I hate fake balconies. Just have a real balcony, cowards.”

“That’s what’s bothering you?”

“No.”

“So, what is?”

“Kon’s trying to reconnect with Luthor. Think’s it’ll reform him or some shit.”

“And you’re worried about your boyfriend.”

“Of course I am! He’s associating with a supervillain!”

“You literally did the exact same shit.”

“Fuck off, at least I never tried to _reform_ Ra’s.”

“Teaming up with him isn’t great, either.”

“Whose side are you on?”

“The side of logic.”

“Ah. So you’re an asshole.”

Jason laughed.

“Oh, c’mon, Tim. Your boy’ll be fine. He’s a tough lad.”

“I know. I just…I worry about him.”

“That’s pretty normal. I worry about Roy and Lian when I’m not there.”

“Really?”

“Well, duh. We lead dangerous lives. I worry about something happening when I’m not there to help him out. And Lian’s my kid, so of course I worry about her. You just have to trust him, Tim, and let him know you’ll be there for him if it goes to hell.”

“…I hate how good your advice is sometimes.”

“I’m a mature father figure,” Jason declared, “I have to be good at giving advice.”

“You’re also a nineteen-year-old dumbass who pretends to fuck his brother to piss his dad off.”

“Point you, Timmy, but _you’re_ the seventeen-year-old dumbass teaming up with me.”

“Fuck off.”

Jason laughed as he pulled into the parking of Duarte’s Tavern and parked the car.

“Is this where we’re having lunch?” Tim asked as they got out.

“Yup, in the lovely town of Pescadero!” Jason cried, flinging his hands in the air and spinning in a circle.

“…Jason, this is an intersection with some buildings.”

“Wow, Tim, I never knew you were such an elitist.”

“Oh my god, Jason. Shut up and go in the fucking restaurant. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

“I ran around the streets of Gotham in an outfit designed by Dick Grayson for three years. Shame is a foreign concept that abandoned me at the tender age of twelve.”

“I am so fucking glad I got to wear pants,” Tim grumbled as they went in.

“Eh, it was worth it to upset the JL.”

They were seated at a table near the bar and handed the menu. After a few minutes they placed their order, and so began the awkward phase of sitting at the table and waiting.

“So, Timmy, how’s school?”

Tim looked at him with confusion.

“You, uh, do know I dropped out of high school, right?”

“You what?” Jason shrieked, drawing the attention of several locals. Tim slunk down in his chair.

“Please be quieter,” he muttered. Jason ignored him.

“You dropped out of school?”

“Well, someone needed to run the company.”

“You were seventeen! Education is important, Tim!”

“Please calm down,” Tim whispered. That seemed to derail the enraged nerd train and Jason lowered his voice.

“Do you even have a GED?”

“No.”

“Y-you don’t have a GED?” Jason uttered, eyes wide with horror.

“Of course I don’t, Jason! I’m still the fucking CEO. I don’t have _time_ to get my GED.”

“Oh, I am _so_ yelling at Bruce about this. This is not okay.”

Tim shrugged.

“I’m fine with it. I never liked school much anyways. I feel like I do more good with the company. Academia…it’s just not my path. I don’t get any joy from it.”

“You could go to art school for your photographs.”

“I’ve considered it, but I don’t think I’d like it. Honestly, the only reason I’d go back to school at this point is to get people to shut the fuck up about nepotism.”

“Kids should be in school, Tim.”

“But I don’t _want_ to be. I’m doing meaningful work that matters to me. I _know_ business. I was bred, born, and raised to be good at business. My parents never read me bedtime stories, but if they had, they would have been about business. I’m good at business. I’m better at it than Bruce ever was; for fuck’s sake, he’s bankrupted the company like fifteen times because he gets so obsessed with fixing Gotham that he forgets that he needs the income from the company to do it. I’ve completely fixed that, Jason. College just…it’s not on my list of priorities.”

“I guess I can accept that,” Jason said, “But I don’t understand it.”

“Yeah, well, you love academia. I don’t. And I know everyone thinks me not going to college is just out of laziness, but it’s not. I just…I just don’t think it’s my path.”

“Fair enough, I guess. I just…I get weird about people that seem to throw away their opportunities. It’s probably because I never thought I’d get those opportunities.”

“Well, you have them now. You can go to college, Jason.”

“I just might. I’ve been thinking about it, you know. I’m only hesitant because I’m still getting used to being a civilian. Being one at fifteen, it’s…it’s a hell of a difference from being one at nineteen.”

“I can imagine.”

At that moment, they were served their food. Tim had gotten a 12 oz. New York steak and Jason the Crab Cioppino. They both thanked the waitress and dug in.

 

 

* * *

“How the hell did you eat three of those steaks?” Jason asked, awestruck.

“I was hungry,” Tim replied, tugging on the car door handle, “Now c’mon, bitch, let me in.”

“Calm down,” Jason grumbled as he fumbled with the keys, “36 ounces of steak in forty-five minutes. Unbelievable.”

“Eh, it’s fairly normal for me.”

“How can you eat so much and still be that tiny?”

“I have a high metabolism,” Tim replied defensively.

“What you have, Tim, is not a high metabolism but a tapeworm.”

“Fuck off, you tree.”

“Alrighty, now we’re off to Purissima!” Jason cried, pulling out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

Once they got to Purissima, Tim whacked Jason hard on the arm.

“What the hell was that for?”

“This isn’t a fucking ghost town, this is a sign and a cemetery!”

“Well, it _used_ to be a town, so, therefore, ghost town.”

“Fuck off,” Tim grumbled, “Alright, we’ll look at the fucking cemetery and then we’re popping over to San Francisco.”

“Why?”

“I want to buy those Louis Vuitton headphones.”

“Bitchin’.”

* * *

 

They pulled up to the vacation house and crept into the building. No one was back yet, so Tim pulled out his laptop and they both grabbed their noise canceling headphones.

“Do…do your headphones have cat ears?”

“Roy gave them to me,” Jason replied stiffly.

“That’s adorable. Alright, headphones on, the wonder duo’s due back in ten.”

They both put their headphones on and Tim pressed play.

* * *

 

Bruce and Dick entered the house and immediately heard a loud scream and some moans. They ran downstairs, only to find Tim and Jason’s door closed. The noises were emanating from there.

Two seconds later, when they heard a loud, “Oh! Jason!,” they realized the noises weren’t ones of pain.

They stared at each other in horror as they realized just what was going on.

“Do you think...” Dick whispered

“Tim and Jason are fucking in there,” Bruce confirmed, paler then Dick had ever seen him, “Oy a broch, I need a goddamn drink.”

“Seconded.”

They made their way upstairs, desperately trying to ignore the noises coming from the bedroom. Bruce grabbed a bottle of scotch from his suitcase and went to sit with Dick on the balcony off of the kitchen.

“Gimme,” Dick said, making grabby hands at the bottle.

“No,” Bruce said, “You have to drink the Manischewitz.”

“What? Bruce, it’s disgusting.”

“But it’ll get you drunk as hell.”

Dick obediently went and got the wine.

“Should we really be doing this? It’s a weekday.”

“It’s fine. I let Duke know we’d be getting drunk. And we’re on vacation. And I just found out that two of my sons are in an incestuous relationship. I’m having a bad day, son.”

“...Fair enough.”

They both opened their bottles and took a long drink.

* * *

 

The return of the other siblings was quickly approaching, and Jason and Tim were getting more and more confused by the minute.

 **Jan:** Did they not hear the porn or smthn

 **Timmy Timbo:** Nah I cranked that shit

 **Timmy Timbo:** Oh no

 **Jan:** what

 **Timmy Timbo:** They think it’s real

 **Timmy Timbo:** They fucking think we’re fucking

 **Jan:** OMG

 **Jan:** or they could just be late

 **Timmy Timbo:** …

 **Timmy Timbo:** I’mma hack B’s phone

He pulled up the secret app he’d made that cloned everyone in his family’s phones and selected Bruce’s.

The most recent Google search was “how to talk to your sons who are fucking.”

Tim sighed before reaching for his computer and turning off the porno. Jason took his headphones off.

“They took the bait, didn’t they?”

“Better then we wanted them to. Bruce is completely convinced we’re involved in an incestuous relationship. He’s even Googling like a normal person without the ten thousand proxy servers.”

“Dios,” Jason whispered, “We broke him.”

“Actually, this could be great.”

“I don’t like that look in your eye.”

“Think about it, Jason. The longer we draw this out, the more they suffer. Especially if we get everyone else on board so that every time Bruce asks for advice they just tell him to leave well enough alone. He’ll go insane.”

“You’re going to kill them both, Tim.”

“So?”

“Oh boy,” Jason muttered, “Clearly teaming up with you was a bad idea.”

Tim ignored him, instead pulling up Skype.

 **Tim:** Hey Clark real quick we’re pulling a prank on Bruce and Dick so if they call you freaking out that Jason and I are having sex (we’re not, this is a prank) pls tell them to leave well enough alone and that it’s not technically incest so you don’t see an issue

 **Clark:** omg

 **Clark:** Of course I’ll help u

 **Clark:** Bruce is going to kill us tho

 **Tim:** chill thanks Clark

 **Tim:** A+ step-dad behavior

“Clark’s on our side. I think Diana’s next.”

“What about Alfred?”

“He’s after Diana. I think he’s less likely to lecture us if we get two JL members on our side first.”

“Fair enough. I’ll warn Roy that the prank’s continuing.”

“Great.”

 **Tim:** Hey Auntie Di

 **Diana:** Hello Tim!

 **Tim:** So Jason and I are pranking Bruce and Dick.

 **Diana:** Marvellous.

 **Tim:** Haha thanks. So essentially Jason and I are pretending that we’re having sex

 **Tim:** I should also clarify that we are not in actuality having sex

 **Tim:** but anyways when B inevitably calls you asking for advice

 **Tim:** can you just go off about how it was acceptable in ancient Greece

 **Tim:** he won’t know enough about Greece to dispute that

 **Diana:** Of course! I am always ready to participate in the fine sport of heckling!

 **Tim:** Great! Thanks, Auntie Di!

“Diana’s in, I’ll text Alfred.”

 **Tim:** Hey Alfred

 **Alfred:** What did you do now, Master Tim?

 **Tim:** so uh

 **Tim:** funny story

 **Tim:** Jason and I are kinda pretending to have sex with each other to upset Bruce and Dick

 **Tim:** and we uh

 **Tim:** we wanted to be sure you were on our side

 **Alfred:** I presume you want me to pretend I find your behavior to be acceptable?

 **Tim:** ye that would be great

 **Alfred:** Very well then. Should Master Bruce ask, I will inform him that I find such behavior normal and acceptable and that he should not be concerned.

 **Tim:** Thanks, Alf! You’re the best.

 **Alfred:** You’re very welcome, Master Tim.

“Alfred’s on board as well. It was suspiciously easy, though.”

“Eh, he loves seeing B suffer.”

“Fair enough. We might as well tell Cass and Duke in person, though.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

* * *

 

“So, let me get this straight,” Duke said, rubbing his temples, “You two just decided to pretend to be in an incestuous relationship for funsies, and now it’s slightly backfired so you’ve just decided to go balls to the walls on it. And somehow Alfred is on your side.”

“Yep,” said Tim.

“God, I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.”

“Well, you thought wrong, bitch.”

“Fuck you, Jason.”

“That’s what Bruce thinks.”

“That-that doesn’t even make any sense!”

“Little brothers,” Cass said sternly, “Stop fighting. Prank funny. Continue.”

“Thanks, Cass.”

“I thought you were going to be a voice of reason!” Duke cried.

“Thought wrong,” Cass replied with a grin.

“I want no part in this,” Duke grumbled, “Just leave me out of your bullshit.”

“Fair enough, just don’t betray us to B.”

“I’m not fucking getting involved, ass wipe,” Duke snapped before stalking out of the room. Cass smiled at them and followed after, ruffling their hair on her way out.

“Well, that went great,” Jason said.

* * *

 

Bruce woke up the next morning and immediately the events of the night before came back to haunt him. He groaned, shoving himself down further underneath the covers into the comfortable darkness. Then he paused, stuck his arm out, and grabbed his phone. He dialed Clark’s number.

Clark picked up almost immediately.

“Hey, Bruce.”

“Clark. I am…in crisis.”

“Oh, no. What’s wrong? Do you need me to come over?”

“…Jason and Tim are having… _sex_.”

“Oh. Is that it?”

“What do you mean, _is that it_? My sons are fucking each other, Clark!” Bruce shrieked.

“Well, I mean, it’s not _technically_ incest. They’re not genetically linked and they clearly don’t think of each other as siblings. So it’s a little weird but probably fine.”

“No! No, it is decidedly not fine! I’m calling Diana. She has sense. She’ll see reason.”

He hung up on Clark and called Diana next.

“Diana,” he said immediately after she picked up, “Jason and Tim are having sex.”

“Hello, Bruce. I’m well. How are you?”

“I’m in a _crisis_ , Diana.”

“I do not understand the issue, Bruce. In Greece, there were no such concerns. My father, Zeus, was indeed wedded to his own sister.”

“…aren’t you an Amazon?”

“Indeed. I am of an island people. The lines are…blurred.”

“Nope. I’m not doing this. I can believe you of all people would support them in this. I’m done. Goodbye, Diana.”

He hung up before she could return the sentiment.

“I’ll call Alfred,” he said to himself, “Alfred is a reasonable, intelligent man.”

Alfred picked up on the first ring.

“How badly have you messed up, Master Bruce?”

“I didn’t do anything! It’s Jason and Tim!”

“What did they do this time?”

“THEY’RE HAVING _SEX_.”

“...I see. And what, pray tell, is the issue at stake here? Are they not exercising proper safety measures?”

“Not you, too! For fuck’s sake, why can’t anyone see that my kids, my _children_ fucking each other is an issue!”

“Your family has always been rather unusual, Master Bruce. I suggest you calm down and do not act rashly in this scenario, as this could drive them away. I would advise cautious, supportive action.”

“Fine,” Bruce grumbled, “Fine. You lot fucking win. Goodbye, Alfred.”

“Goodbye, Master Bruce.” He hung up the phone.

Bruce continued sulking beneath the covers for another hour before Terry threw open his door and jumped on the bed.

“Wake up, Dad! We’re going to the beach!”

Bruce begrudgingly emerged from the covers.

“Hello, son.”

“Hi, Dad! Get ready for the beach. I want to go to the beach and Jason said it was okay. So then we asked Duke ‘cuz he’s responsible and he said it was okay, too.”

“Alright. Let me get up and I’ll get changed.”

“Okay,” Terry said agreeably. He quickly gave Bruce a hug and ran out again.

Bruce dressed quickly and entered the common area.

“Good morning, everyone,” he greeted his assembled children.

“You hear somethin’, Tim?” Jason drawled.

“No, I don’t hear broke speak,” Tim replied.

They both had red Louis Vuitton earbuds in their ears.

“Please make them stop, Father,” Damian ground out through tightly clenched teeth, “They’ve been like this all morning.”

Bruce sighed, walked over to Tim, and grabbed the earbuds out of his ears. The boy let out a shriek like he’d been shot and started trying to retrieve them. Bruce shoved them in his pocket and walked out.

“Don’t worry, Tim,” Jason said, taking one of his own out, “Here. You don’t have to be a complete pleb.”

“Thank you,” Tim sniffed.

“Oh, boy,” Dick muttered.

“Silence, pleb,” Jason snapped.

“Boys, boys, please stop this. What beach are we going to?”

“Carmel River beach,” Duke responded.

“Great, will we need to drive there?”

“Nah, it’s only a block away.”

“Fantastic, thank you, Duke. Everyone, we’ll leave in thirty. Jason, Tim, please come with me. We need to talk.”

They dutifully followed him out to the balcony. Once the door was shut, he turned to face them.

“So. Uh, boys.”

“Yes, Dad?” They chorused.

Bruce deflated, nerve completely lost.

“Stop harassing your brothers about the headphones. Tim, you can have them back now. Just please stop. I don’t need Damian killing someone.”

“’Kay,” Tim said, accepting his headphones. Jason nodded and they both left.

Bruce sank into a chair and put his head in his hands. He was disturbed a few minutes later by a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, B,” Dick said. His skin was dull and his expression pinched.

“What the hell am I supposed to do, Dick? Everyone is telling me just to leave them be, but I can’t. And I don’t know how to talk to them, either.”

“I don’t know what to do either. Maybe we should ask Alf?”

“Alfred said to just let it be.”

“Alfred said that?”

“Yep, so did Diana and Clark.”

“How is it that we’re the only ones concerned about this? Something’s not right here, Bruce.”

“I’ll call Jim later tonight. He’ll have some ideas.”

* * *

 

“What’d they say?”

Tim clicked out of the spyware app and looked up at his siblings.

“They’re freaked. Bruce is calling Jim tonight.”

“Excellent,” said Damian, “Gordon will be easy enough to convince to betray Father.”

“I said I wanted no part in this,” Duke muttered, more to save face then out of any actual anger.

“And I said I didn’t give a damn,” Jason replied.

“And I don’t know what’s going on,” Terry chirped from the corner.

“We’re pranking Father and Grayson.”

“Oh. Okay!”

“I’ll text Jim-” footsteps on the stairs interrupted Tim- “Shit, everybody scatter.”

Cass and Duke ran out the door to the garden with Neva and Terry. Damian stayed put.

“So that is why I believe that ghosts are real,” Tim said.

“I must agree with you, Tim. Your conclusions are most logical.”

“Well, I, for one, think your claims are total horseshit. And I would know, as I was dead.”

“Do you actually remember being dead?”

“…no…”

“Checkmate, motherfucker.”

“Hey, guys, what’s up?” Dick asked.

“خرق الناقة,” Damian replied.

“What?”

“Nothing, Grayson. We are merely discussing the simple matter of whether or not ghosts are real. Tim and I have concluded that they are. Todd is wrong.”

“Fuck off, brat.”

“I love when my family gets along and loves each other,” Dick muttered.

“Oh, Jason and I love each other,” Tim said with a vicious smirk.

Dick’s eyes widened like he’d been shot and he swallowed.

“T-that’s nice,” he choked out.

“Yep,” Tim replied cheerfully, “It’s _great_. Time of my life.”

“ _Tim_ of your life,” Damian said with a smirk.

“Ayyyy,” Tim and Jason said, high-fiving Damian.

“I’m so done with you all,” Dick muttered.

“Good. Suffer, bitch.”

Dick sighed and left the room again.

“I can’t believe you’re taunting him like that. I shouldn’t have given you the idea for this. You’re an evil little bastard.”

“I know,” Damian said admiringly, “This is why Tim is my favorite. He’s diabolical.”

“Aww, Dames. I love you too,” Tim replied, raising an arm. Damian accepted the hug with grace and the facial expression of a cat being fed the wrong kind of cat food.

“Touching,” Jason said, pretending to wipe tears from his eyes, “What a wholesome family moment.”

“Pure,” Cass replied, dropping down onto the patio.

“Oh, hey, Cass,” Tim said calmly, “Did you get you that thing I asked you to?”

“Yes,” Cass replied. She handed Tim a bag.

“Sick, thanks.”

“Do I even want to know what you got?” Jason asked, dreading the inevitable answer.

“Sex supplies. I’m going to hide them in this room so as to scar B and Bitchard when they snoop.”

“Look at him, Cass. That is the face of the devil himself.”

“Melodramatic little brothers.”

“I am not included in that count, of course,” declared Damian. Everyone else rolled their eyes.

“Sure, Cousin Oliver,” Tim muttered.

“Are you…are you calling me that disgrace of a vigilante, that Robin Hood wannabe, that scum of a pitiful little man?” Damian shrieked.

“What? No, of course not. It’s a Brady Bunch reference.”

“…That is acceptable.”

“Time to go!” Bruce yelled from the top of the stairs. His children obediently gathered in the entrance hall.

“That was too fast,” Bruce muttered, “I don’t like it when you behave.”

“What about me?”

“You’re the one exception, Duke, because I can trust you.”

“The plan goes well,” Duke muttered.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Duke replied, smiling innocuously. Bruce grumbled something to himself and opened the door. As the siblings trekked towards the beach, Tim slid up next to Duke.

“What are you planning?” He whispered.

“Nothing. I’ve just given in and decided to help you guys mess with him.”

“Ah. Carry on, then.”

* * *

 

Tim and Jason were draped across each other on their beach towel at the far corner of the beach. Jason was reading and Tim was resolutely attempting to pretend he was reading and definitely hadn’t just concealed his phone in the book to get Jim Gordon on their side. Jim had just replied that he was ignoring Bruce’s calls anyways so not to involve him.

Damian approached them, wielding a beach ball.

“Brothers,” he said gravely, “Grayson has committed a serious offense. Cassandra summons thee to war.”

“I’m too depressed and gay for military service,” Tim said.

“Yeah, same.”

“Too bad. Cass says we have to.”

“Fine,” Tim whined. He and Jason got up and followed Damian over to the small gathering of siblings behind a large rock formation.

“So, you’ve also answered the call to arms,” Duke greeted.

“Yeah. What the hell, Cass?”

“Dick steal sandwich. I kill.”

“That seems a bit extreme for a sandwich.”

“Had brie on it.”

“Ah. I understand perfectly. He’ll die.”

“Good,” Cass said, “Now we plan.”

* * *

 

Dick was walking down the shore when he was hit in the face with a spray of water.

He blinked in shock, staring at Damian, who had just appeared from over a sandhill. There was a water gun in his hands.

“Dami,” Dick whined, “What was that for?”

“A distraction,” Damian said as Dick’s arms were seized by Jason and Duke. Tim ran up behind him, red marker in hand, and wrote “sandwich thief” in bold letters. Once done, the brothers took off. Dick whipped his head around, desperately trying to see what they’d written. He finally gave up and sulked back over to Bruce’s chair.

Bruce was sitting, perfectly content, in a reclining beach chair beneath an umbrella, reading Neva a book on the clans of Scotland.

“...the King and the Lord of the Isles, the MacDonald chiefship and Lordship of the Isles were…oh, Dick. What’s going on?”

“What did they write on me?” Dick wailed, turning around to show Bruce his back.

“…they just called you a sandwich thief.”

“Oh. That’s fine, I guess. I did steal Cass’ sandwich,” he admitted. He sat down in the chair next to Bruce and made grabby hands towards his daughter. Bruce reluctantly handed his granddaughter over.

“Hey, baby,” Dick said, smiling down at her. She giggled in response.

Meanwhile, the others had returned to base camp and were in hiding. Tim shifted to pluck a flower from the ice plant and they caught sight of his tattoo again.

It was a moderately sized piece along his ribcage, inked in beautifully.

“Hey, what’s with the tat, Timmy?” Jason asked.

“Huh? Oh, it’s an impaled arms. The Superboy symbol on one side, and my Red Robin crest on the other. I got it while I was drunk in Amsterdam.”

“And when, exactly, were you drunk in Amsterdam?” Duke muttered, not certain he wanted to know.

“During my depression-and-rage-fuelled international supervillain team-up.”

“Does Kon at least know?” Jason said.

“Well, I should hope so, considering he’s seen me naked and is planning a matching one.”

“Fascinating,” Damian murmured, “I wonder what sort of needles will be necessary for that procedure.”

“No experimenting on my boyfriend. Or Jon. Or Clark, for that matter. Just no experimenting on people.”

“I wasn’t going to! I was just curious about it.”

“Fair enough.”

“Hey, you guys,” Bruce said, “What’re you up to?”

“Discussing Tim’s tattoo.”

“Ah, yes. The…tattoo.”

Tim stared at his feet and shuffled them in the sand.

“You can just say you hate it,” he muttered.

“I don’t hate it. I just don’t like that you put your own symbol on your body. It seems like it’d be too easy to find you out.”

“That’s a fair concern,” Tim admitted, “In my defense, I was drunk off my ass in Amsterdam and you were lost in the time sauce.”

“You were drunk?”

“Yeah, in Amsterdam.”

“Why the hell were you in Amsterdam?”

“Ra’s,” Tim said simply.

“I hate him,” Bruce grumbled, “I hate him so much. At any rate, we’re headed back to the house now. Get your shit.”

“Fine,” his kids groaned, dispersing once again.

* * *

 

Tim walked out of the bathroom to see Jason sitting on their bed, smiling down at his phone.

“That Roy?”

“Yep, just keeping him posted.”

“Nice. Now that I think of it, I need to tell Kon about our prank.”

“Y-you didn’t tell him?”

“Nah, Kon and I are chill. Besides, he and Bart were hanging out and I’d hate to disturb bro time for something dumb like this.”

“What if Bruce had told him?”

Tim shrugged, buttoning up his pajama top.

“Kon and I have a good relationship. He trusts me enough that if Bruce went to him he’d come talk to me about it before doing or assuming anything. He knows I’ll be honest with him about everything.”

“Wow. Gay.”

“Fuck off, you ass.”

Jason laughed his way into the bathroom.

Tim sighed and picked up his phone and called Kon on FaceTime.

Kon picked up immediately, grinning at the screen like a maniac.

“Hey, babe,” he said.

“Hi, Kon. So, uh. I have something to tell you but it’s uh. It’s not as bad as it sounds.”

“Let me guess: you’re pranking Bruce and did something crazy.”

“Aww, you know me so well. Yeah, so Jason and I are pretending to have sex to freak out Bruce and Dick. It’s going great so far.”

“Huh. Can’t say I expected you to be faking incest, but, hey, why not? Keep Bats on his toes.”

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Tim.”

“So, how was your trip with Bart?”

“Fucking insane, brah, he lit his clothes on fire four times while we were trying to make s’mores.”

“Oy vey, poor guy. How is he still alive?”

“Good genes?”

“Stop making me think about genetics. It gives me flashbacks to trying to clone you.”

“Yeah, that was weird.”

“I have bad coping mechanisms. Hence, tattoo and supervillain team-up.”

“Oh, shit. That reminds me, I’ve got dinner with Lex in an hour. I’ve gotta go get ready.”

“Alright. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Jason walked back in the bedroom to see Tim staring at his phone with a dopey grin.

“What is it now?”

“Look at this shit. He looks so hot in a suit. I want to see him in one on our wedding day.”

“That’s sweet.”

“And I want to tear him out of it.”

“…great, Tim. That’s exactly what I wanted to hear about this evening. Your sex life.”

“Fuck off, I just want to talk about how hot my boyfriend is!”

“You can do that without making it sexual!”

“But I’m _horny_ , I can’t _help_ it.”

“I don’t want to hear this,” Jason groaned. He walked over to his side of the bed and jammed on his cat ear headphones again.

* * *

 

The next morning Bruce left early with the younger kids to go to the museum, leaving Dick to watch the others. Almost immediately after the van pulled out of the driveway, the sex noises started up again. Dick locked himself in Bruce’s room with his noise-canceling headphones.

The others were just hanging out outside. They figured they’d play the videos for about an hour while they relaxed.

After tormenting Dick for the allotted amount of time, the four of them took off to go to the mall in the BMW X5. Cass had called shotgun, Jason was driving since he was the only one with a licence (well, Duke _had_ one, but he’d left it at home by accident), and Tim and Duke were in the back seat.

“This is discrimination against short people,” Tim grumbled to Duke. Duke patted him on the head.

“Poor baby.”

“Fuck off,” Tim grumbled, leaning into the affection anyways. Duke laughed.

“My poor, touch-starved little-brother,” he teased, pulling Tim into a hug.

“I hate you.”

“I know, it sucks being loved by your family.”

“It’s terrible.”

“What’re you gonna get, Cass?”

“Want flannel. Flannel sexy. Make lesbian brain happy.”

“Hell yeah. I’m gonna get some face shit. I’ve got this damn dry patch over my eyebrow that won’t fuck off.”

“I need to go to Sephora, too. I’m out of foundation,” Duke added.

“I’m going dress shopping,” Tim announced, “I have a date with Kon at the Wharf and I want to stand on the end of the pier with my skirts flowing dramatically in the wind as he holds me from behind and we stare off into the distance like our only son has just left on a ship.”

“What an oddly specific fantasy you have,” Duke commented, stroking Tim’s hair.

“Fuck off, I’m gay and dramatic.”

“I wasn’t denying the validity, just commenting on the specificity.”

“…acceptable.”

They parked the car and walked in, hitting Sephora first. Duke grabbed a foundation refill immediately and then they spent ten minutes following Jason through the skincare section before Tim threw his hands up in exasperation.

“Just make a fucking decision, Jason!”

“If I may offer a suggestion,” piped up a voice from behind them, “Peter Thomas Roth, Cucumber mask. Great hydration.”

“Thank you, small one,” Jason said to the short teenager in an employee uniform.

“No problem,” they replied before vanishing once more. Jason grabbed one of the masks and they walked up to the counter.

“Did you have any trouble finding anything today?” The cashier asked.

“Yeah, but we got helped by a mystically appearing employee.”

“Oh, Adrien. Adrien is crazy.”

“You’d be dead in the water without me!” Yelled Adrien from the other side of the store.

The cashier rolled her eyes and handed their purchase over.

They continued on to Nordstrom next, where Cass loaded up on a small mountain of flannels. They then turned to Tim.

“Time for the fashion show, Timmy,” Jason smirked.

“Hell yeah,” Tim said. They tore through the petites section, picking out twenty different dresses and making for the dressing room.

The first one was a floral mini dress.  

“Cute, not enough skirt,” Duke dismissed.

“Valid.”

Half an hour later, they finally settled on a full skirted red floral dress and they left the store.

“So, what’re you pairing it with, Tim?” Duke asked.

“I’m going Louboutin Dirdibootie Calf, Louis Vuitton Love Note Handbag, and some jewellery. Probably my Cartier earrings.”

“God, you’re the epitome of 'rich twink with too much shit',” Jason muttered.

“Don’t take away my coping mechanisms, you bitch.”

“Yeah, Jason, leave Tim alone.”

“Stop enabling him, Thomas.”

“I will never stop enabling my dearest brother.”

“Duke is the only bitch I fuck with in this family.”

“Not me?” Cass protested sadly.

“Cass, I do love you and fuck with you, but you are not a bitch. You are an ethereal goddess.”

“Thank you.”

“Let’s just go to the fucking sushi place,” Jason grumbled.

They ate lunch quickly and drove down to the beach, where they all stretched out in the sun and relaxed for a few hours before Jason flipped over onto his back and groaned.

“I need to go shopping,” he said.

“Bitch, we just left the motherfucking mall,” Tim grumbled.

“No, you don’t understand. I have to go ring shopping.”

“What?” The other three said.

“I’m proposing to Roy.”

“WHAT?” They shrieked.

“He said something the other day about wanting me to just marry him already so, uh. That’s what I’m trying to do.”

“Oh my god, you hopeless romantic. We’re going to the store right now,” Duke said, getting to his feet and making for the car. They all followed after him, Cass dragging Jason and Tim grabbing all their shit. They drove to the nearby Tiffany’s and frog-marched Jason in.

“We’re here for engagement ring shopping,” Tim declared. The woman behind the counter looked confused.

“I am. I am here to buy an engagement ring. These are my siblings, who are also here, for some reason,” Jason clarified.

“Oh. Okay. Do you have anything in mind for your girlfriend?”

“Well, for starters, he’s a man, and also something gold. With some Peridot and Imperial Topaz.”  

“Wow, you’ve already given this a lot of thought,” Duke said admiringly, “Can I ask why?”

Jason stared at his feet as he scuffed them on the carpet.

“It’s his, Lian and I’s birthstones. His is Topaz and ours is Peridot. Plus, his skin has warm undertones, so gold will look good on him.”

“Oh my god, that’s adorable,” Duke said, “Also, you and Lian share a birthstone?”

“…her birthday is the day after mine.”

“I’m dying at how cute that is,” Tim deadpanned, “Now let’s get you a gorgeous ring so you can beat Dick to the alter and immortalize your undying love but also Dick’s suffering. I might be pushing a vendetta here, fuck off.”

“Alright,” the lady said awkwardly, “Do you know his ring size?”

“Do I- Of course I do.”

Jason sat down and they started designing the ring.

“Alright, that’s set! It’ll be done in the next couple days and we can call you to pick it up,” the woman said when they were done.

“Great, thank you.”

* * *

 

Dick ventured downstairs four hours after the sex noises began. They’d stopped, but the door to Jason and Tim’s room was cracked open. He crept in.

They were gone, but there was a pair of furry pink handcuffs sitting on the bed.

“Oh, god,” Dick said, collapsing against the wall, “My baby brothers are having kinky sex with each other.”

He pulled out his phone and called Babs.

“Hey, Candy-gram, what’s happening?”

“Jason and Tim are having kinky sex with each other.”

There was a sudden clattering and a muffled “I fucking knew it” on the other end of the line.

“Uh, Babs?”

“That was Lois. She happened to be over. She, uh, is now running off.”

“Oh, no. She’s been out to expose Bruce for years as revenge for him ruining her first wedding anniversary with Clark.”

“…so, what was that about Jason and Tim?”

“Sex noises coming from their room. Many times. And I just walked in and found- I found…”

“What’d you find, babe?”

“Handcuffs!” Dick shrieked, “Furry pink handcuffs!”

“…that’s hardly kinky and you know it.”

“Don’t bring our sex lives into this, Barbara! I’m having a crisis.”

“Do I need to send Wally over?”

“Yes!”

Wally appeared five seconds later.

“Hey, babe, what’s poppin?”

“Look at the fucking bed, Wally!”

“Oh. That’s, uh. A pair of handcuffs.”

“Jason and Tim are having sex!”

“Fucking hell. We have to warn Roy and Kon.”

“Comfort me first.”

“Alright,” Wally said agreeably, picking Dick up and carrying him outside. He set him on one of the outdoor couches and laid down beside him. Dick curled up against him.

“I love you, Wally.”

“I love you, too, babe.”

“Please never cheat on me to have kinky sex with my brother.”

“Dick, please believe me when I say that there is literally no way in hell I’m having sex with any of your brothers. You’re the only man for me. Not the only one for me, though, because there’s also Babs.”

“And we could never leave Babs out,” Dick said with a smile.

“Of course not. Now, where’s our daughter?”

“Bruce has her. He’s being insufferable about demanding Grandpa time. Damian said something about him being upset he never got to be around us when we were babies and so I keep folding.”

“Aww, that’s cute. Focus on that, not on whatever’s up with Jason and Tim.”

“No. You need to run me back to Gotham immediately. I need to break the news to Roy myself. He should hear it from old friends.”

“Okay, babe. If you’re sure.”

Wally picked him up again and then took off. They halted back in the Manor, in front of Jason and Roy’s room. Wally set Dick down. Dick swallowed, gathered his courage, and knocked.

Roy opened it. His hair was tied back from his face and there was a happy gleam in his eyes that hurt Dick’s heart to see since he knew he was going to have to shatter it.

“Hey, you guys. What’s up?”

“Roy, you’re going to want to sit down to hear this,” Dick said gently.

Roy sat, looking confused.

“What’s going on?”

“Jason’s cheating on you with Tim,” Dick blurted out before wincing. _Fuck, Grayson, really tactful of you._

Roy stared at him for three seconds before he started laughing. He laughed so hard tears leaked out of his eyes and he was bent in half.

“Great joke, Dick. You’re fucking hilarious, you.”

“I wasn’t kidding.”

Roy stopped laughing and looked up, grin still on his face.

“Nah, Jason’s a bottom and no way in hell Tim tops. Not gonna happen any time soon.”

“I love how the incest part isn’t even a concern with him,” Wally muttered.

“You know damn well we’ve dealt with nastier shit, West. At any rate, Dick, you _must_ be wrong. Jason would never do that to me. Jason would never do that, period. I know you’re too much of an ass to see it, but Jason’s a sweetheart. He’d never hurt me like that. And he certainly wouldn’t do that to Lian. He’s been a parent to her for these past couple of years. She loves him. She calls him Dad. Jason’s not throwing everything away for a quick fuck with his brother. And that’s not even getting into Tim. He wouldn’t ever do anything to jeopardize his relationship with Kon. I think you guys have taken something out of context and blown it out of proportion.”

“How can I take handcuffs and moaning out of context?” Dick shrieked.

Roy shrugged.

“You’re not the most observant, sometimes. You can be a bit of a dumbass.”

“Fuck off. I’m just trying to warn you. Lois found out and she’s probably going to do an expose to get back at Bruce for ruining her first wedding anniversary.”

This finally seemed to crack Roy’s cheer.

“I need some space,” he said quietly.

“Okay. For what it’s worth, Roy, I’m sorry.”

“Just…just leave me be.”

They left, Wally taking Dick back to the vacation home.

Roy called Jason.

“Hey, Roy-toy, wh-”

“Lois found out about your prank and she thinks it’s real. She might be plotting revenge for Bruce running her wedding anniversary with Clark.”

“…oops?”

“Yeah, big oops, you fucking idiot! Dick just came to confront me about this whole thing. You and Tim need to do some fucking damage control, stat. Because if this thing goes viral and the paps go ape-shit I’m killing you both and dumping your bodies in the Gotham river.”

“But the river’s so gross.”

“Exactly, Jay-bird. Exactly.”

“…duly noted. We’ll handle it.”

“Please do. Also, handcuffs? Really, you two?”

“Hey, don’t blame me! That was Tim and Cass’ fault!”

“Sure, Jay. Sure.”

“This is Tim. He’s telling the truth. I, uh. Might have taken this a little too far?”

“No fucking shit. Just take care of it, okay?”

“’Kay. Bye, Roy. Tell Lian I said hi!”

“Goodbye, Tim. Give Jason his phone back.”

“It’s me again, babe.”

“Hey. I love you, okay? Even if you are a crazy son of a bitch.”

“I love you, too, Roy-toy. I’ll be home in a few days. I’ve got a present for Lian, too.”

“Sounds great. Love you, babe. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Back in California, the four siblings turned to each other.

“You guys fucked up,” Duke said.

“Yeah,” Jason said incredulously, “Yeah, I think we really, really did.”

* * *

 

Bruce walked into his vacation house and was immediately confronted with a very alarmed Dick.

“Lois found out about Tim and Jason.”

“Fucking hell, how?”

“That. That, uh, might be my fault. I kinda maybe did that. Sorry?”

“Oy gevalt, Dick. Just…just take Neva. I’ll call Clark and try to do damage control.”

“Okay. Also, Wally is here.”

“Hi.”

Bruce sighed.

“Hello, Wally.”

“I’m concerned about this whole thing.”

“Me too, Wally.”

“Hey, baby,” Dick cooed to his daughter, “How was your day? Was your grandpa a killjoy? Did he make grumpy faces at smiling couples?”

Neva giggled and waved her hands at her dad, grabbing onto his fingers when they were moved into her reach.

“…I’m just going to leave,” Bruce grumbled.

“A wise choice, Father. You must do damage control for Lane’s foolishness.”

“Damian, you knew that Jason and Tim were…doing _that_?”

“Of course I did, Father. Unlike you, Grayson, and other members of this family with subpar IQs, I am not an idiot.”

“And you find it _acceptable_?”

“Why not? It is not as if they are genetically linked or as if I care. Now, Terrence and I are going to debate on the ethics of animal consumption. Good day.”

“I’m not even going to comment on this. I’m just going to go call my boyfriend.”

“Fair enough,” Dick replied, “I’m going to put Neva down for a nap and make out with Wally to dodge my problems.”

Bruce just sighed and walked into his bedroom. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Clark.

“Hey, baby,” Clark said, “How’re you doing?”

“Fucking shit. You need to talk to Lois. She’s found out about Tim and Jason and she’s probably going to publish it to get revenge on me for ruining your first wedding anniversary.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bruce. Lois isn’t that petty.”

“I don’t care! Just fucking talk to her. Make her not do it. I have…I have to go confront my children about having sex with each other before I have a goddamn mental breakdown.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No, I need you to shut down this story before the fucking media frenzy descends on me!”

“Okay, baby. I’ll do that. I’ll take care of it for you.”

“Thank you,” Bruce ground out before hanging up. He sunk down the wall and collapsed into a ball.

“Mame, what am I supposed to do?” He moaned. Regrettably, Martha Wayne did not see fit to rise from the dead and advise him at this moment.

* * *

 

Clark sighed and knocked on Lois’ door.

“Come in.”

He entered to see her smirking at him.

“Oh, Rao, Lois. What are you doing?”

“Tormenting Bruce Wayne.”

“You’re not going to _actually_ publish the story about Jason and Tim, right?”

“Oh, please,” Lois said, waving her hand dismissively, “As if I would ever do that to the kiddos. Plus, it’s obviously a ruse to torment Bruce and Dick. I would have picked up on it even if Kon hadn’t told me at our weekly brunch.”

“You and Kon have brunch?”

“Of course we do, don’t be stupid. Anyways, I’m just letting Bruce stew in anxiety for a bit. It’s my revenge for him ruining our first wedding anniversary with his ridiculousness.”

“…are you fucking kidding me, Lois.”

“No. He ruined my favorite dress. I loved that damn thing. He’s going to suffer a bit for that.”

“I’m living in a goddamn nightmare. I never thought you’d be a problem ex.”

“I’m not! I’m only jumping on the bandwagon.”

“…fine. I wish I’d never agreed to help with this stupid plan.”

“See? Even you agree he needs a little needling. Just leave it be. The boys’ll let off soon enough.”

“Rao, I hope you’re right.”

“Alright, skedaddle. I’ve gotta get this story on Luthor’s new leaf in. Are you picking up Jon later?”

“Yep, I was going to take him to the burger place.”

“Great. I’ll see you later, then.”

“Goodbye, Lois.”

* * *

 

Tim and Jason were sitting in their room when Bruce burst in.

“I know you two are having sex,” he announced.

“Wow, Bruce, are you intentionally recreating memes or is this just dumb luck?” Tim deadpanned.

“Now is not the time for jokes, Tim! Lois Lane is on to us and you all are about to get me in trouble with the media.”

“I don’t see how our relationship is any of your business,” Jason said, moving from the chair to the bed. Tim threw himself dramatically into Jason’s arms. His foot kicked out and hit the space bar of his laptop.

Emo Scene Girls- Ultimate Compilation from PornHub started blaring from the computer speakers.

They all froze. It took Bruce three seconds to realize what was happening.

“TIMOTHY JACKSON DRAKE-WAYNE AND JASON PETER TODD-WAYNE,” he shrieked, “TURN THAT SHIT OFF RIGHT NOW. I CANNOT FUCKING _BELIEVE_ YOU TWO! YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR ALL OF FUCKING ETERNITY.”

Tim closed the laptop hurriedly.

“Uh. April fools?” He said.

Bruce threw his hands in the air.

“It’s not even fucking April, Tim. I can’t even fucking look at you two. What the hell were you two thinking, playing this sick fucking joke? I…I. I’m just fucking incredulous. You’re benched for the next _month_ , barring an all-out apocalypse.”

“It was my idea, B. Let Tim off.”

“Oh, no, I know my sons. You came up with it and he took it to the next level. Un-fucking-believable. I…I’m done. I’m just so fucking done. I’m going to bed.”

“I’m sorry,” Tim murmured. Bruce paused.

“Tim, I’m not going to get rid of you. As upset as I am, you’re still my sons and nothing you ever do could make me stop loving you. I just. I need to go have some space. This…this really fucked me up. Just…think about what you did, okay?”

“Okay. Sorry, Dad,” they replied.

Bruce just turned on his heel and left.

* * *

 

“So,” he said to the rest of his children, “Who all was in on it?”

Only Dick and Terry could look him in the eye. Bruce sighed.

“I’m really, really disappointed in you guys. I’m going to bed. Don’t wake me in the morning.”

“…B…”

“I’m not mad at you, Dick. Or you, Terry. The rest of you are in deep fucking shit. Good night.”

Bruce went back to his room, robotically went through his nightly routine, and then climbed in bed.

An hour later, Tim climbed into his bed. Bruce resolutely ignored it.

Fifteen minutes later, Damian and Terry joined him. Then Cass, then Duke, and finally Jason climbed in. Bruce rolled over with a sigh.

“Alright, get Dick in here. I guess we’re going to talk.”

Dick was shoved in the room shortly after.

“We’re sorry, Dad,” Tim said quietly, “We were just trying to have fun.”

Bruce pulled Tim into a hug.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you. I just…this prank hit a sore spot with me. Ever since I first adopted Dick, the tabloids have been screaming about how the only reason I would have ever adopted you kids is to abuse you, how I could never be a good father because of who I am, because of _what_ I am. And then the other members of the JL, they question me, too. Because I let my children into the field so young and then this whole thing just brought up those thoughts and I, I just…I have a hard time believing I can be a good father. I just…I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never known what I was doing with you kids. I love you, but I…there’s not a single one of you that I haven’t messed up on. Dick had to fucking move away from me, Jason…Jason _died_ , and I fucked up with Tim, too, and Damian, I don’t know how to relate to you and I just…I failed you before I even got to you. And I just, I just…I’m can’t. I’m not…I love you kids, and I don’t want to fail you. But half the time it feels like I can’t do anything but.”

Bruce stared at his hands as he rubbed them together. His kids exchanged glances over his head.

“B,” Dick said calmly, “You know I ran away because I was being a teenager who was mad at my dad for grounding me, right? You didn’t fuck me up, alright?”

“…I let you fight criminals when you were _nine_.”

“Hate to break it to you, B, but I was going after Zucco no matter what. You helped me do that in a safer way. Plus, in case you’ve forgotten, the reason I ran away was because you benched me to keep me safe.”

“I guess.”

“And as for me, I fail to see how you can be blamed for me running away and getting kidnapped by a psycho.”

“I should have made it to you faster. I should have known you were looking for Sheila. I should…I should have done better.”

“Bruce, you can’t hold yourself accountable for the actions of a murderous clown and a backstabbing cunt. I don’t blame you, for my death and for everything after.”

“And for my part, Father, I don’t see how you were to blame. There was no way you could have known what Mother was doing to me or about my existence at all,” Damian said, curling up into Bruce’s side.

“Dad did nothing wrong. Dad save me,” Cass added.

“Yeah, you haven’t fucked me up,” Duke said jovially.

“And as for me,” Tim said, “Bruce, you…you were the first parent I’ve ever had. You changed my life. And you can’t even say you fucked me up by sending me into the field because I was there already. And that’s not to say you haven’t fucked up at times, because you have. But, like. I’m pretty sure that’s normal in parenting?”

“I don’t deserve you kids,” Bruce mumbled.

“We love you too, Dad,” Dick said, sitting down on the bed, “So don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ll tell you if you’re fucking up.”

They all moved in to hug him. Bruce stayed quiet for a few minutes.

“This is uncomfortable,” he said, “Let’s move the beds into the living room so we can...hug more comfortably.”

“Hell yeah!” Cheered Cass and Jason, taking off for the downstairs.

“You can just say cuddle, Dad, it’s okay,” mumbled Damian sleepily. Bruce smiled, ruffling Damian’s hair.

“Okay, kiddo. I will.”

“Pillow fort! Pillow fort!” The kids started cheering. Tim pulled out his phone.

“I know the best way to build one,” he ordered, “I’ll assign tasks and send them to you.”

“Nerd.”

“Fuck off, Jason, you spent three hours telling me a list of characters that Roy resembled.”

“Oh my god,” Dick exclaimed, “Fuck, Wally and I told Roy about the prank before we knew it was one.”

“Oh, that’s not a problem. I warned him a couple of days ago.”

“Thank fuck. Also, he needs to work on the TMI thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“He, uh, shared some private information.”

“What did he say?”

“He, uh. Told us you were a bottom?”

“Oh my _god_ ,” Tim said.

“So I like to take it up the ass. What’s it to ya?”

“You have no shame, Todd.”

“No, I really don’t. Partially because I don’t see a point in being ashamed about anything. And, I mean, it’s not like Dick could shame me for this without being a fucking hypocrite.”

“How do you know you know what I like in bed?”

“No one could ever look at you and think you were a top!”

“I’m a top,” Tim interjected.

“Cute joke, Tim.”

“I am!”

“Really, so if we call Kon and ask him he’ll agree?”

“Fine, you cunt. I admit it. I’m also a bottom.”

“Ha!”

“Can we please stop talking about this?” Bruce grumbled.

“Hm, now why is Bruce so concerned with getting off the topic of bottoming? Is it perhaps that he, himself, is one?”

“Shut up, Jason,” Bruce ground out.

“Dios,” Jason blinked, “You, uh. Actually are. Fuck.”

“We’re not talking about this.”

“Damian, hit me. I want to erase this from my brain.”

“I wish to as well, Todd.”

“Alright,” Duke yelled, “Moving on. Tim has assigned me a task.”

“Yeah, build fort,” Cass ordered them.

“Please, get my mind off of this,” Tim muttered.

* * *

 

The next morning, Bruce woke up surrounded by his children.

Duke was up against the wall, and Jason was tucked between Damian and Duke, Damian squished between Bruce and Jason. Tim was lying on his back on Bruce’s other side, Terry curled up against him. Neva was lying on her back next to Terry, Dick and Wally spooning next to her. Cass was curled up against Wally.

Bruce smiled as he looked at all of them.

“You look happy,” Jason said sleepily, raising his head from a pillow. Bruce raised his arm and stroked Jason’s hair.

“I am happy, Jay-lad.”

“’m happy too, B.”

“You have no idea how glad I am to hear that.”

 “Hmm. I’m on track. Gonna propose to Roy soon.”

Bruce grinned.

“That’s wonderful, Jay-lad. I hope it goes well.”

“Me too,” Jason mumbled before dozing off again.

Damian shifted in his sleep, curling up closer to Bruce. Bruce moved his arm away from Jason and wrapped it around his young son, who settled. Bruce closed his eyes and slipped off once more.

He woke again a couple of hours later to the smell of pancakes. He sat up, noting that Dick, Wally, Neva and Duke were all gone. Jason had flipped over onto his back, Damian had rolled on top of Bruce, Tim was curled into Bruce, and Terry was curled up dangerously close to Tim’s back. Bruce sat up carefully so as not to disturb Damian.

“Morning, B,” Dick said, handing Bruce a cup of coffee and a plate of pancakes, “How’d you sleep?”

“Great. Thanks, Dick.”

“Don’t thank _me_! Wally made breakfast.”

“Thank you, Wally.”

“You’re welcome! I hope you enjoy.”

“…hn. Coffee?” Tim said, blinking awake.

“Good morning, son.”

Tim ignored him, reaching for Bruce’s coffee.

“Here, Tim, I made you your own cup,” Dick greeted, pressing the cup into Tim’s hands.

“Thank you,” Tim mumbled, taking a long drink of it.

“Feeling better now?”

“Morning, Dad. I do. Do you feel better?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“That’s good,” Tim said into his coffee, “Where’re we going today?”

“I was thinking we’d drive up to San Francisco today and break into the Naval Yard, do some urban exploration. Then we can spend the night in a hotel and spend tomorrow going to museums.”

“Nice,” Tim replied, “Also, look at how cute Dami is when he’s sleeping. No murderous tendencies, just a tiny little baby.”

“I can hear you, Tim.”

“I’m not sorry, Dami.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jason groaned, “Some of us are trying to sleep.”

“Good morning, boys.”

“Morning, B. Oi, Dick-bitch, bring me some coffee.”

“Get your own coffee,” Dick grumbled, getting Jason his coffee.

“Thanks, big bird. Damian, ya topside yet?”

“Fuck off, Todd. Grayson, bring me coffee.”

“No coffee for you, Dames. You’re too young.”

“Tim, may I please have some coffee?”

“Of course, Damian. Take it from Dad.”

“Dad?” Damian asked, looking up at Bruce with an exact copy of Dick’s puppy-dog eyes. Bruce’s heart swelled and he turned to Dick.

“Dick, please bring Damian some coffee.”

“Bruce,” Dick whined, “Why do I have to do it?”

“You’re already up.”

“Wally could do it.”

“Uh, I’m holding our daughter.”

“Duke?”

“I’m sitting down and chilling.”

“I hate all of you,” Dick replied, pouring Damian a cup of coffee.

“I love you too, son.”

“Fuck off, Bruce.”

Bruce smiled into his coffee.

“What time are we leaving?” Duke asked.

“Around eleven. We’ll miss rush hour that way.”

* * *

 

They loaded themselves into the van and took off at eleven, Jason riding shotgun this time. Bruce looked at him with an exhausted expression.

“Please keep the music tolerable,” he said.

Jason grinned back at him and turned on Queen.

“…why are you being so nice? What do you want?”

“To apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t think through the impact of my actions.” 

“It’s alright, Jay-lad. You didn’t have any way of knowing about how I felt.”

“Yeah, because Dad still hasn’t drunk the therapy Kool-Aid and doesn’t share his feelings,” Tim interjected.

“Yes, thank you, Tim.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I was being sarcastic, Tim.”

“How the fuck was I supposed to know that?”

“…fair, I wouldn’t have picked up on it either.”

“Stop talking, whores, you’re drowning out Freddie,” Dick yelled from the back.

“This is the man I’m in love with,” Wally murmured to Neva, who just giggled excitedly like she always did when someone was playing Queen.

“I can’t believe you already indoctrinated your grandbaby into your Queen cult,” Duke whispered.

“It’s not a cult,” Bruce grumbled, “I just really like Queen.”

“You have to admit it’s a little weird that you got lost in time and your first thought was ‘ah, I can finally meet Freddie.’”

“Look, Duke, it wasn’t fair that my parents got to meet him and I never had. Plus, I had to fill the time somehow.”

“Was that a pun?”

“Yes.”

“Why’d you have to wait?” Tim asked.

“Well, I knew you were looking for me, so I just needed to hold out until you appeared or the opportunity to escape presented itself.”

“That’s very sweet, Dad. Now I’m crying.”

“Tim, you are not crying.”

“Shush, Dami, I’m trying to be sarcastic.”

“Ah. You are terrible at it.”

“Fuck you.”

Bruce sighed. It was going to be a long drive to San Francisco.

* * *

 

“Dad! Look at me!”

Bruce turned to see his eldest son hanging off the top of the gantry crane.

“Great job, kiddo!” he yelled, “Damian, get out of the dry dock!”

“You’re no fun, dad,” Damian grumbled, obediently climbing out.

“Yeah, I don’t want my son to drown. Horrible parenting. Hey, where’s Tim?”

“He found a room full of old computer equipment. Todd is accompanying him.”

“Ah. Great, I wonder how much of _that_ is coming back to Gotham.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Wayne,” Kon said as he swooped down, “He’s already called me and asked me to take it to the tower.”

“Hello, Conner. I’ve told you before that you can call me Bruce.”

“All due respect, Mr. Wayne, but you’re too terrifying for me to even consider that.”

Bruce grinned.

“Good lad.”

“Right, that’s not terrifying at all. At any rate, I’m going to go get that stuff from Tim.”

Kon took off again.

“Dad, can I go explore that building over there?”

“Why don’t we do it together, Damian?”

“An acceptable offer.”

“Wally, catch me!” Dick shrieked.

“What? Oh, shit!”

Dick leapt off the top of the crane, flipping several times in the air before landing in Wally’s arms.

“I hate when you do that,” Wally muttered. Dick laughed and kissed him.

“I love you, too, Walls.”

Off in the saltwater pumping building, Jason was creeping through the dark hallways, lit only by the flashlight mounted on his Sig Sauer P226.

Yes, it was a bit ridiculous to carry his flashlight on his gun, but it was pretty fun to creep around an abandoned military base pretending to be a soldier in combat with the enemy.

 _I should probably up the therapy appointments_ , he thought. 

There was a sound from behind him and he whipped around, keeping his gun pointed at the floor.

“Jase, what the hell?” Dick exclaimed, “Did you seriously bring your gun on family vacation?”

“Yes,” Jason replied, tucking the gun back in its holster and pulling out a tactical flashlight from the pocket of his cargo pants.

“Why?”

“In case we get attacked.”

“God, you’re paranoid.”

“And you aren’t? You know where we get it.”

“Fair enough. I don’t know why he suggested this. He made Dames get out of the dry dock _after_ Cass had drained it.”

“I mean, that I can understand. These dry docks are fucking ancient and I wouldn’t put it past them to break.”

“…we’re in a radioactive former military base that Bruce suggested we visit. We’re vigilantes. B isn’t exactly Mr. Safety First.”

“No, he’s Mr. Superman.”

“…I hate you.”

“Sure ya do, Mr. Oracle-Flash.”

“That’s terrible and you know it, _Mr. Arsenal_.”

“I don’t care, Dickie-bird. Let me know if you see any cool spare parts lying around. I need an immediate present for Roy, not just the delayed one.”

“What’s the delayed one?” Dick asked, falling into step with Jason as they walked down the hallway.

“Hm? Oh, the engagement ring.”

“The engagement ring?” Dick shrieked.

“Yep.”

“When were you going to tell me you were proposing to Roy?”

“Uh, after I did it, I guess? You kinda make everything into an ordeal.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yeah, you really do.”

“What’d you get for the ring? I have to approve. Both as your brother and as Roy’s ex.”

“I’d forgotten that you and Roy used to date,” Jason muttered.

“I was his first boyfriend! You’re lucky I broke Oliver in for you.”

“Yeah, not that Roy talks to Oliver much nowadays.”

“Yeah, fuck that green bastard,” Dick growled, “We should go beat him up one of these days.”

“That’d be great. We’d have to get new uniforms, though. Can’t have him know it’s us.”

“I’m sure Tim can help.”

“Tim? We talkin’ ‘bout the same kid? ‘Cause the one I know can’t come up with his own secret identities. He’s stolen all of them from other people.”

“…yeah, we can come up with our own idents. At any rate, tell me about the fucking ring.”

“It’s gold.”

“Just gold?”

“…with peridot and topaz.”

“Oh my god, you got him a ring with his, yours, and Lian’s birthstones. That’s adorable.”

“Fuck off.”

“I’m not teasing! It’s genuinely cute!”

“I know. Tim, Duke, and Cass spent long enough tormenting me about it yesterday.”

“Why yesterday?”

“Because after we tortured you with the PornHub we took off to the mall and wound up at the jewelry store where I ordered it.”

“So this was a spur of the moment type of thing?”

“No, I’ve been thinking about it for a few months and we’ve discussed marriage, but always as like a far-off thing. I just…I really love him. And I know nineteen’s pretty young to get married, but I’ve already died once and it’s made me afraid that if I don’t marry him now I’ll never have the chance. But more than anything, I just really want to marry him. I want to have the crazy Kardashian wedding of Bruce’s worst nightmares. I want to wake up every morning and see him. I just…I love him. And I love Lian. She’s just such a great kid and I want to be there for her, too. I don’t know if there’s anything else I can say.”

“I don’t think there’s anything else you need to say. I’m happy for you, Jason.”

“I’m happy for you, too, Dick. And I think we can both agree that Bruce and Tim have done shockingly well for themselves.”

“Yeah, never thought they’d be emotionally intelligent enough to get together with the supers.”

“I think I’m to thank for that.”

“Oh, definitely. You’re the family sap.”

“I’m not!”

“Oh, you _so_ are.”

“Who’s there?” Called an unfamiliar voice.

The boys stared at each other in horror.

“This is the police. Show yourself.”

“Run,” Dick whispered. Jason nodded and they took off for the others. They ran into Cass along the way.

“Cops!” Jason yelled. She started running for the van.

“Conner, Wally, cops,” Dick shouted. Kon took off in the air, Tim in his arms. Wally came running with Damian. Bruce split off towards the water, jumping the fence off the base.

They rendezvoused at the Fairmont’s Penthouse suite that most of them were staying in.

“Well, that was eventful,” Tim remarked.

“I’m so glad I didn’t go with you crazy people,” Duke muttered into his teacup.

“Dickie-bird and I had a touching heart-to-heart,” Jason announced, “And Bruce, as thanks for me getting you and Clark together you will be paying for my engagement rings. Tim, you get to pay for wedding rings if all goes well.”

“Of course, Jay-lad. Glad to help.”

“Hell yeah, I get the cheaper one. Wait. Why do I get the cheaper one?”

“Because you had semi-valid reasons for not being together with your super.”

“Oh. Chill.”

“Yeah, very chill,” said Kon, who was still there for some reason. He was sitting in an armchair, Tim sitting between his legs and leaning against him.

“Will you be joining us for our late dinner, Conner?”

“Can I, Mr. Wayne?”

“Certainly.”

“Sick.”

“What’re we having?” Dick asked.

“Room service,” Bruce responded. The kids all froze.

“Room service?” Damian whispered, awestruck.

“Yeah, room service.”

“Oh my god,” said Dick, “ _Room service_.”

“What’s so great about room service?”

“Dios, B, you don’t know about room service?”

“I’m so confused,” Bruce mumbled.

Tim opened his mouth to explain, but Bruce silenced him with a hand.

“Nope, don’t bother. I don’t want to know.”

“Can we order wine from room service?”

“Sure, Wally. Why not?”

“Can _I_ have wine?” Asked Terry.

“No, you may not.”

“But it’s Shabbat!”

“And you’re five.”

“You’re a cruel man, Dad.”

“Having children was a mistake,” Bruce grumbled, “Just order me the fucking salmon.”

“I’m not sure they can serve live salmon that are having sex for, like, legal reasons.”

“You know damn well what I meant, Jason. Stop being a shit.”

“Never.”

“Just. Please. Get. Me. The. Salmon.”

“Why can’t you order it yourself?”

“Because I’m going to call Clark to interrogate him about his involvement in your prank, Tim.”

“Oh. ‘kay.”

“Just…don’t torment the room service guy while I’m gone, okay?”

“Okay,” chorused his children.

Bruce sighed and left to go yell at his boyfriend.

* * *

 

The phone of the Manor rang several times as Clark stared at it.

“Aren’t you gonna get it, Dad?” Jon asked from the floor, where he was playing with Titus.

Clark sighed, steeled himself, and picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, Clark.”

“Oh, uh. Hi, Bruce?”

“Don’t you ‘Hi Bruce me, mister.”

_Ah. I’m fucked._

“I cannot believe you, Kal-El Kent. Cannot  _fucking_ believe you. You sided with my boys over me?”

“In my defense, I thought it would be funny.”

“Well, it fucking wasn’t. I believed them.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“Don’t ‘baby’ me, I’m mad at you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. I forgive you.”

“So easily?”

“You had no way of knowing how much it would upset me.”

“Still, I shouldn’t have greenlighted it.”

“Maybe not. But my boys…they would have figured out how to do it anyways.”

“That’s true enough. You’ve raised some very stubborn children.”

“Yeah,” Bruce’s voice swelled with pride, “I have.”

“You still upset?”

“Oh, I’m fucking _pissed_. You’re in the guestroom for the next week and Tim and Jason are going to have entertainment room permissions revoked. Also, I’m locking Jason out of the library.”

“That seems unnecessarily cruel.”

“So was making me think I had failed as a parent.”

“Fair enough.”

“How’s Shabbat going in the Manor?”

“Oh, quite well. I’ve treated myself to a bottle of wine from your nice stash.”

“Which one?”

“Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Romanée-Conti Grand Cru.”

“…Clark, that’s a twenty-thousand-dollar bottle of wine.”

“Why do you even own wine that expensive?”

“My father was fond of it. I’ve never acquired the taste.”

“…you’re disgustingly rich.”

“I know. Are you at least enjoying the wine?”

“Yes, I like it.”

“I’m glad. Have a nice night, Clark. Tell Jon I say hello.”

“Jon, Bruce says hi.”

“Hi, Bruce! Tell Damian I miss him.”

“Jon says hello and to tell Damian he misses him.”

“I will. Good night, Clark.”

“Good night, baby.”

“…stop calling me that, I’m mad at you,” Bruce grumbled before hanging up.

Clark replaced the phone and turned to the boys on the floor.

“He still has no idea you’re here, Colin.”

“Hell yeah,” Colin Wilkes replied, “I’ve been hiding for three weeks without him noticing. This is fucking _ace_.”

“Language, Col!” Jon protested. The boys started bickering.

Clark sighed and drank more of his wine.

* * *

 

The Bats headed to Golden Gate Park early the next morning. They wandered through the Japanese Tea Gardens, stopping at the Tea House for a bit.

“Where to now?” Duke asked.

“I wish to go to the Legion of Honour,” Damian said.

“Oh, I’ll go with you, Dames!”

“Neva and I are with Dick, duh.”

“I want to go to the de Young,” Duke said.

“Mind if I join you, son?”

“Sure, why not. Terry, you with us?”

“Yeah!”

“I’m going to the California Academy of Sciences,” Jason announced.

“Me, too,” Cass added.

“Kon and I are going to the Conservatory.”

“We’re going to have a romantic date amongst the flowers,” Kon added, kissing Tim’s temple.

“Gay,” yelled Dick from the back.

“Fuck you, you bitch,” Tim mumbled, grabbing Kon by his jacket collar to kiss him more thoroughly. Cass and Jason wolf-whistled.

“Alright,” Bruce said, “Meet back at the van at seven. Get dinner yourselves and keep the group chat posted as to your whereabouts. Got it?”

Everyone nodded.

“Great. Dismissed.”

* * *

 

Tim and Kon held hands as they wandered through the Conservatory of Flowers. Kon was a bit overwhelmed by all the scents, but Tim was tugging him through the building, keeping him on a steady path. They stopped in front of a flowering tree.

“Smile,” Tim said, positioning them next to each other in front of it. He took a selfie of them together.

“Turn out like you wanted?”

“Yeah, it’s a good picture. I could never take a bad one of you.”

“And you’re too gorgeous to ever be photographed badly.”

“Hush, you,” Tim replied, ducking his head to hide his blush. Kon ducked his own head down, gently kissing Tim’s lips before straightening once more.

“Where to next, Tim?”

“The Asian Art Museum. I want to see the Kimono Refashioned exhibit and, of course, we can have lunch at Max’s Opera Café.”

“See, this? _This_ is why I’m madly in love with you.”

“I love you, too, Kon. But I’ll love you more if you fly me there.”

“But of course, Tim, what kind of a boyfriend would I be if I wouldn’t?”

“A terrible one,” Tim said with a smile, tugging Kon towards the exit. He followed obediently.

At the Legion of Honour, Damian stared up at the Spanish Ceiling.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Dick said.

“Yes, Grayson, that is often the point of art.”

“Dames, I’m just trying to make conversation!”

“And I am not.”

“Rude!”

“Silence yourself, Grayson. This is a museum, not a club.”

Dick quieted, and they both stared at the ceiling.

“It’s gorgeous,” Dick said after a few minutes, “Just as pretty as the ones my parents used to take me too.”

“What?”

“My parents used to take me to the palaces in Spain when we passed through with Haly’s. We always visited the grandest place in every town we went to. I think my favorite place to go visiting was Scotland. It’s a haunting place, Dames. Just…stunning.”

“You have fond memories of your parents.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“I wish I had such fond memories of my mother.”

“Aww, Dames. I’m sorry.”

“You did nothing wrong, Grayson.”

“It’s less about wrongdoing and more about sympathy.”

“I see.”

“You don’t, do you.”

“No, I do not.”

“That’s okay, Dames. That’s okay.”

“Ayo, Claude,” Jason said to the albino alligator, “How’s it goin’?” The alligator did not respond.

“Sorry about your claw,” said Cass. Claude blinked. Jason sighed heavily.

“You want to go get some food?”

“Sure. Get t-shirts, too.

“Hell yeah. Let’s hit up the t-shirts first.”

They walked into the gift shop and immediately cracked up. There was a t-shirt for sale that said “But first, coffee” except coffee was in periodic table elements.

“That’s fucking perfect for Tim,” Jason said, “Let’s find his size.”

“Sorry, sir, we only sell that in women’s sizes,” said a nearby employee.

“Alright. Cass, what does Tim wear in women’s sizes?”

“Small.”

“Dios, he’s tiny.”

“Yep, small little baby brother.”

Meanwhile, Terry was hanging off of Bruce’s arm as Bruce browsed through eighteenth-century fans.

“Dad, I’m bored.”

“We’ll go in a bit, son. Once Duke finishes looking at stuff.”

“Fine.”

“Do you want to see the fashion section?”

“…maybe.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

* * *

 

They met up again at the van at seven, Kon dropping Tim off on the ground with a kiss and a quick goodbye. The bats loaded up in the van and drove off.

As Bruce drove, his children slowly dozed off. Dick was the first to go, curled up against Wally, who obediently tucked a blanket around his boyfriend. Wally himself dozed off shortly after tucking the blanket around himself. Then Duke passed out, jammed between Tim and the side of the car. Then Jason fell asleep in shotgun. Cass fell asleep in the second row, head resting against her neck pillow. Then Damian fell asleep on Tim and Terry dozed off in the seat next to Cass. And, finally, Tim’s eyes slipped shut.

Bruce turned off the radio and drove the rest of the way in relative silence. But, of course, they all woke up as he pulled into an In-N-Out about halfway through.

They all shouted their orders at him and he dutifully relayed them to the star-struck employee at the window. Once they’d received their food, they hit the road again.

They pulled in at around ten thirty that night, and the kids wearily trudged off to bed. Bruce moved through his morning routine robotically, then crashed into his bed and passed out.

* * *

 

The next morning, Jason woke with the sun.

He dressed quickly and took the BMW to the Lafayette bakery, picking up a load of breakfast food. He laid it out on the table once he got back, made a pot of coffee, and waited.

Gradually, his family members made their way into the kitchen until eventually they had all gathered there.

“So, guys,” Dick said as he tore into a croissant, “What’re we doing for our last day of vacation?”

“Well, I have to go pick up my ring in an hour,” Jason said, “And then I wanted to go down to Big Sur, finish up the trip at this restaurant I saw this morning.”

“Sounds great, Jay-lad. I’ll go with you to the store to pay for the ring and then we can all go down the coast.”

“Chill, that gives Tim more time to wake up.”

“’m awake,” Tim mumbled, falling asleep in his chair. Duke sighed and shifted his chair so Tim would fall into him and not the floor.

“Alright, I’m going to go get ready to go,” Bruce said, rising from his chair and putting his dishes in the dishwasher.

He and Jason met up in the entryway a short while later and got into the X5. The only noise as they drove was the quiet chatter of the radio and Jason telling him where to go.

They pulled up outside the store and got out. Jason walked up to the counter.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up an order for Jason Todd-Wayne.”

The store clerk nodded and ducked into the back. She emerged a few minutes later holding a ring box. She popped it open and they all leaned in to examine it.

It was a three stone ring with two antique cushion cut peridots flanking each side of an antique cushion cut imperial topaz, set in a thick golden band.

Bruce clapped Jason on the shoulder.

“Well done, son. It’s a wonderful ring.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“Alright, let’s pay for it and get back to your siblings. I’m sure they’re all dying to see it.”

“They better keep their greasy goddamn hands off of it.”

“I’m sure they will. If not, you can hit them.”

“Hell yeah.”

Bruce paid and they strolled back out of the store onto Ocean Avenue, Jason shoving the ring into his jacket pocket.

“Need to go anywhere else?”

“Yeah. I wanna go to Lush.”

“What’s that?”

“Dios, you live under a rock. C’mon, Dad, we’re gonna get you a bath bomb. Make you unwind.”

“A…bomb?”

“You’re a heathen,” Jason declared, grabbing Bruce by the arm and dragging him down the sidewalk.

Once inside Lush, Jason picked up a shampoo refill (Jason and the Argan Oil, _duh_ ) before steering Bruce towards the Bath Bombs. He got him a couple, because even if Bruce only used the one and hated it, Dick would probably be gifted them. Just to be a shit, he threw the Sex Bomb in there at the last second before shoving Bruce towards the till. They made their purchase and headed back to the car.

As they pulled up to the house, the door was flung open by Dick and Terry.

“Did you get it?” Dick yelled.

“Cool your titties, Dickie-bird. I did.”

“Lemme see!”

“Not yet, everyone can look at once.”

The siblings gathered around the kitchen table and Jason opened the ring box.

“It’s stunning, Jase,” Dick said. The other siblings nodded.

“I think he’ll love it,” Duke added, “And, hey, if he doesn’t we’ll throw his spare parts boxes in the swimming pool.”

“And I will sever his other arm.”

“Dami, no.”

“I will not sever his other arm.”

“Better.”

“Instead I will change his hair color to green.”

“I guess I can live with that,” Jason replied with a smile.

“Alright, if we’re all done looking at Jason’s ring, can we all get in the car?”

“Yes, Dad,” Tim grumbled, getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. The others followed him out to the van.

They drove down to the Big Sur River Inn, where Bruce parked the car and the kids poured out. Most of them sat on the chairs in the creek, with Dick and Wally lying on the grass. Damian perched in a tree over the river, intently focused on his sketches.

Tim was reading a book about genetics and Duke was reading about architecture when Jason threw a rock at Duke.

“Hey, what was that for?”

“Want to go explore the river?”

Duke considered it for about thirty seconds before shrugging and putting his book down.

“Sure, why not? Tim, you want to come?”

“Don’t have anything better to do.”

They began making their way up the river, water rushing around their legs and rocks digging into their feet. Tim kept getting knocked off balance and into Duke, who would just sigh and push him back onto his feet. They spent thirty minutes going up the river, and then they stopped.

“Why are we doing this, again?” asked Jason.

“It was your idea, dumbass,” Tim groaned. He and Duke sat themselves down on the river bank.

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

“Why’d you suggest this?” Duke inquired.

“I dunno. I just thought it’d be fun.”

“Well, now we have to get back _down_ the river.”

“…Fuck.”

They carefully made their way down through the currents, holding on to each other for balance. It took a few minutes longer than it had to go up, as they had to be careful that the water didn’t knock them down again.

Once they reached the area near to the chairs once more, Bruce looked up from his book.

“Hey, let me get a picture of you boys,” he called, pulling his phone out of his pocket. They paused, posing for the shot.

As Bruce lowered his phone, Tim lost his balance. He toppled into the river with a yelp, pulling the other two boys down with him.

They surfaced seconds later, soaking wet and shocked, dumbly blinking water out of their eyes. Bruce cracked up. The boys made their way back to shore and went over to Dick and Wally’s set up where the towels were, Bruce’s laughter following them all the way.

Dick snickered as they approached.

“Fuck off,” Jason grumbled, aggressively towel-drying his hair.

The towel started turning black.

“What?” Jason said, “Why are you all staring at me?”

“Your hair dye’s coming out.”

“What? Now?”

“Yeah, it’s all over the towel.”

“Shit,” Jason swore, “Is the red showing again?”

“It’s peeking through,” Duke added, “I think it’ll wash out if you go get it wet again.”

“Why is this happening to me?” Jason whined, making for the bathroom.

He emerged forty-five minutes later, hair completely red except for the white streak.

His family took one look at him and burst out laughing.

“Fuck off,” Jason yelled, “I hate all of you.”

“I’m sorry, Jay-lad, it’s just been so long since I’ve seen you with hair that color.”

“You’re at fault for this! You asked me to dye my hair in the first place!”

“Roy’s going to get a kick out of this,” Wally gasped out, grabbing for his phone.

“No, don’t tell him!”

“Fine, but only because I want to see his reaction in person.”

“Not funny,” Jason muttered, sitting down in the river chair once more. He spent the rest of the afternoon sulking.

Eventually, they packed up their stuff and hit the road back to Carmel.

“What restaurant are we going to, Jay?”

“Sur. I’ll plug it into the GPS.”

They pulled up to Sur forty minutes later and exited the car. Jason sulked behind the others, still upset about his hair.

“What’s so bad about being a redhead?” Wally asked.

“I just don’t like how it looks on me. Plus, Roy doesn’t even know that I’m one.”

“…your boyfriend of several years doesn’t know you’re a redhead?”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“Just…how?”

“I dye my eyebrows and eyelashes and I also, uh. Wax.”

“TMI, Todd.”

“You asked!”

“But I didn’t _want_ to know,” Wally said as they entered the restaurant. Jason rolled his eyes.

“Hello, welcome to Sur,” the host said.

“Hi,” Bruce said, “Table for nine and a baby, please.”

“Awesome, right this way, sir.”

Bruce sat at the head of the table, Dick on his right and Terry on his left. Neva was between Dick and Wally, and Cass was on Wally’s other side. Jason sat across from Bruce, Tim on his left with Duke on Tim’s other side. Damian sat between Duke and Terry. It was, all told, suspiciously organized.

“Ooh, adult milkshakes,” Wally cooed.

“As if that’d get _you_ drunk,” Tim snarked.

“Jealous, short stuff?”

“I’ll gut you, West.”

“Timmy, please don’t kill my boyfriend. Babs and I would be sad.”

“Yeah, well, I was sad when you kicked me out of Gotham. Tough shit.”

“Tim, stop bullying your brother.”

“Aww, Dad. You’re no fun.”

“Just figure out your order, Tim.”

“I know what _I’m_ having,” Jason said.

“What’s that?”

“The bacon grilled cheese.”

Terry and Damian started sulking.

“I’m not getting involved in this,” Bruce muttered.

“Tim, you getting a distressing amount of steak again?”

“Nah, just two orders of the chicken and waffles.”

“Tim, the chicken and waffles is fucking huge,” Dick said incredulously.

“I’m aware.”

“B, I don’t like that face he’s making. Make him stop making that face.”

“Children,” Bruce said, “You’re all _children_. You have the combined maturity of Hal Jordan.”

“Dad?”

“Yes, Jason?”

“I’ve never been more offended in my entire life.”

“It could be worse. He could have called you Oliver Queen,” Duke added.

They all shuddered.

“I would never accuse any of my children of so horrible a crime,” Bruce said, mildly offended.

The rest of dinner was fairly uneventful. Tim chocked on a chicken bone, Jason once again expressed concern over just how much food the kid could eat, and Dick and Wally kissed over their sashimi won tons.

Dessert was another contentious decision. Some people wanted bonbons, some wanted ice cream and Tim was loudly campaigning for lemon tart. Finally, an appropriate comprise had been negotiated and the boys could order.

They tore through dessert and Bruce slipped their waiter a $400 tip as they left.

“Uh, sir?”

“Sorry about us, we’re a little crazy,” Bruce said, “Have a good evening.”

“Oh, uh. You too, Mr. Wayne.”

All the kids were loaded up in the van once more, and he took them back to the vacation house. Once they arrived, the kids dispersed. Dick and Wally curled up on the upstairs couch, putting on a movie. Duke went down to pack and to help Terry with his packing. Tim and Cass set up camp on the downstairs couch to watch Wendy the Werewolf Slayer. Damian had retreated to his room for introvert time, and Jason was reading on the couch next to Wally and Dick.

Bruce was in his robe, staring at the bathtub.

“Jason,” he called. Jason trudged into his bedroom.

“What’s up?”

“How do I work this bath…bomb?”

“Oh. You just fill the tub and put it in.”

“I see. Thank you.”

“No problemo. I’m just glad you’re chillin’.”

“Well, I won’t be ‘chillin’ because the bath’ll be hot.”

“Was that a joke? Aw, B, I’m so proud of you.”

“I know about jokes, Jason.”

“I know. Let me know how you like it!” Jason left.

Bruce filled the tub with hot water and dropped the orb in. It immediately started fizzing and the water turned purple.

“Intriguing,” Bruce said to himself.

He climbed in the water.

“Huh. Curiously pleasant,” he remarked as he pulled out his phone. He turned on his true crime podcast and closed his eyes.

* * *

 

“Alright, everybody up,” Bruce yelled, “We’re rolling out in forty-five.”

The kids staggered out of their rooms, piling their bags in the entryway. They gathered in the kitchen for breakfast.

Tim was mainlining caffeine while Dick fussed over him.

“Timmy, this can’t be good for your health.”

“Neither is Ra’s and yet I have been forced to deal with him.”

“Tim, stop taunting your brother.”

“Fuck you, Dad,” Tim mumbled. Dick started bouncing Neva gently in his arms.

“Are you excited to go home, baby? Are you excited to go see Babs?”

Neva giggled in response.

“I think that’s a yes,” Duke remarked.

“Of course it is! Everyone is excited to see Babs.”

“I’m not,” Jason said, just to be a shit.

“Don’t lie to me, Jason Peter Todd.”

“Fine, I admit it. I’m excited to see Babs.”

“I am…mildly enthusiastic about seeing Jon.”

“You can just say you want to see him, Dames.”

“I will not.”

“Silly little brother.”

“Silence, Cassandra.”

Bruce smiled at his children.

“Why are you smiling? I don’t like this. It’s weird.”

“I’m just glad my children had a good vacation, Jay-lad.”

“Ah. So you’re having… _feelings_ ,” Damian uttered with disgust.

“Feelings aren’t bad! I have feelings.”

“And you are a fool, Terrance.”

“I’m not!”

Bruce sighed heavily. The flight was going to be hellish. 

* * *

 

They arrived at the Manor a few hours later, pulling into the garage. They all unloaded their bags and trekked into the house, stopping by the laundry room and dropping their dirty laundry there.

“Alfred! We’re back,” Bruce called. Alfred emerged from the Green Lounge.

“Welcome back, Master Bruce, assorted children.”

“Jay-bird!” Roy shrieked, flying down the stairs and launching himself at Jason, giving him a quick kiss, “I finally perfected my new arm mods.”

“That’s great, Roy.”

“Hi, Dad,” Lian said, “I perfected my kick in soccer.”

“Tell Jason the truth.”

“I perfected my shin kick during soccer practice on David’s legs.”

“This is the second time I’m hearing about this David. The hell is up with him?”

“Huh? Oh, he’s just a dick. He’s not a dick to me, though. He’s too afraid of me.”

“Good. Let me know if he gives you trouble. I’ll scare the life out of him.”

“Jay, what happened to your hair? Did you lose a bet?”

“Uh, no. This is, uh. My natural hair color?”

“What?” Roy shrieked, finally releasing Jason from his death grip to scrutinize him.

“I’m a redhead. Bruce made me die my hair so I could pretend to be Dick.”

“Bruce!” Clark said, dismayed, having just entered the room.

“I would protest the ‘made’ part of that, Jay-lad. I distinctly recall that all I said was that it would be funny if you told the JL you were Dick hit by a shrink ray and that you could wear a wig. You were the one who suggested the dye.”

“Fuck off with your truth, Dad.”

“I can’t believe I never noticed this,” Roy murmured, stunned.

“If it helps, I’ve taken a lot of precautions, so you wouldn’t find out.”

“Oh, is that why you lock yourself in the bathroom every couple of weeks?”

“Yes.”

“Huh. Well, I think you look good with red hair.”

“Thanks, Roy.”

“Now that Todd’s carrot-top has been addressed, where is Jon?”

“Here!” Jon yelled, flying into the room. He was carrying Colin.

Bruce sighed.

“Hello, Colin. How long have you been living in my house?”

“Uh. Like, a month? Sorry.”

“You’re welcome to live here if you want. Just, please, let us know. I would like to know if you’re here. It’s considerate to Alfred.”

“I was aware, Master Bruce.”

“Of course you were.”

“Hey, Alfred, where’s Babs?” Dick asked, practically vibrating with excitement.

“Miss Barbara is in the computer room.”

“Wally, take us away,” Dick demanded. Wally carefully picked up Dick- who was holding Neva- and took off again.

“I’m going to do some paperwork,” Tim said, attempting to sulk off.

“No,” Bruce ordered, “You and Jason have had some privileges revoked. No entertainment room. Also, Jason, you’re locked out of the library. Tim, no work.”

“No work,” Tim yelled, “What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“Yeah, what the hell?”

“Relax. Think about your actions.”

“Fuck you, Dad,” Tim snarled, “I’m calling Kon.” He stalked off.

“I’m just…gonna leave,” Duke said, “Go out to the lake. Avoid this disaster.”

“Enjoy, Duke.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Bruce,” Duke said

“Going on date,” Cass input.

“Ah. Have a good time, sweetheart.”

“I will. Going to wear sexy flannel.”

“Do the burgundy one with the black skinny jeans and your docs,” Jason suggested.

“Like that. Thank you, little brother.”

“No problemo.”

“Jon. Colin. Let us go to the entertainment room. I wish to view a film.”

The trio left.

“Master Terry, Miss Lian, come with me. I require some assistance with dessert decoration.”

“Hell yeah,” Lian said.

“Yay!” Terry cheered. They left as well.

“Clark, come with me. Jason’s introduced me to these wonderful things called bath bombs and I think you’ll enjoy them. In my very large tub. Away from all our children,” Bruce said, attempting to channel Selina’s smooth, seductive tones and failing miserably. 

“Ew, Bruce, stop reminding us that you fuck,” Jason yelled.

Bruce grinned and he and Clark left to go upstairs and then it was just Jason and Roy left in the room.

“Hey, let’s go sit in the gazebo,” Roy suggested, “Bruce may have banned you from the library, but he never banned me from reading to you.”

“I love you,” Jason murmured.

“I love you, too,” Roy smiled back.

The ring box in Jason’s pocket was a deadweight as he stared at his boyfriend.

“Hey, Roy?”

“What is it, Jason?”

 _Ask him ask him ask him ask him_.

“Never mind. Let’s go outside.”

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with the idea for the prank while cooking my dinner and thinking about the Wayne's poor, poor P.R. team. 
> 
> Those people must suffer a lot. 
> 
> This is also kind of a love letter to California since I'm missing home. 
> 
> This work was more of an interlude than anything else- the next work in the series is angstier and more complicated but hasn't been started (yet). Also, you guys really wanted to know about Tim's tattoo so I hope you weren't disappointed!
> 
> Don't worry, JayRoy will get engaged...eventually. ;)
> 
> I hope everyone enjoyed! Have a great day!


End file.
